As a first-year student here at Santa Clara, I feel like the world is constantly moving. I haven’t ever experienced this type of hustle and bustle before. After going to a small, private Jesuit high school for four years, I knew pretty much everyone. After all, I only had 217 other faces to memorize. Now, after being dropped off by my parents to live alone for the first time in my life, I don’t know how I’m supposed to manage it all. There’s schoolwork, a social life, and meeting new people every day to balance. But, how is it that in one of the largest classes that Santa Clara has ever had, with around 2,000 kids, I still feel lonely? It is quite a change from knowing everyone in my high school hallway to only being able to recognize one or two people out of the hundreds I encounter each day. No one talks enough about how lonely college really is. Within the first few days of being here, I texted my older brother my sudden realization. It hit me that I was totally alone, all by myself, trying to navigate all of this. I texted him: “I didn’t know how much time you spent alone at college!” His response was something along the lines of “lol ik,” which frankly validated my feelings much more than I thought it would.
The first few weeks of school were really difficult for me.I discovered that I had to walk to classes alone and how I was surrounded by so many strangers. But after being here for almost eight weeks and really learning how much time I spend alone with myself, I reached the conclusion that I don’t think that it is too bad. Although I find it awkward when I spill my food or trip over something without someone to laugh it off with me, I’ve learned that I can just shake it off with myself. I now know that being alone is okay and sometimes, even more fun than being around a bunch of people.
With this new discovery, I gathered up my thoughts and decided to kickstart a research project with myself (after all, I think that I am my best lab partner). My scientific question: can I stand hanging out with just myself and listening to my own thoughts for long enough to actually enjoy being alone? My hypothesis: doing different activities with myself will make me more comfortable with being alone.
To begin my experiment, I started by simply sitting in my dorm and scrolling on my phone. This did not work well at all. I realized that being in a dark room of the infamous Swig building was not an ideal place to hang out with myself. Next, I ventured into eating a meal by myself. Sitting alone with my tofu and rice in Benson while everyone else around me was sharing meals and talking lively did not cut it for me. After that, I tried to sit quietly with my own thoughts. A teacher at my high school always told me that I should try to meditate because I have too much energy for my own good. I think he was right in the sense that I have too much energy to successfully listen to myself think.
I then called my family friend and explained my struggles to her. She listened carefully and told me that something would be arriving in the mail shortly for me. Two days later, I opened a package of colored pencils and a coloring book. This is something that really intrigued me. I am not talented whatsoever when it comes to art, but I have a knack for coloring pages. The next day, I set off for the rose gardens to try out my new idea. As I sat below palm trees and colored an inspirational quote that said “be positive,” I decided that this is something I could get on board with. I’m not just sitting with my thoughts, but I am still able to think as I mindlessly color.
With this newfound discovery of doing something alone that I actually enjoy, I set off to find something more. I really like PopTarts, especially the strawberry ones. As I walked around Benson alone with my toasted strudel in hand, I decided that I would find the perfect PopTart eating spot on campus. I climbed up the stairs to the second floor of the dining hall and sat in a chair facing the library. While I was munching on this delicious snack, I figured I would document my new adventure. My first rating of this area is as follows: “great view, kinda loud, weird chairs; 6/10”. This is the most fun I have had while walking around campus in a long time. I am super excited about finding some great spots around campus where I can just think and eat such a wonderful creation of sprinkles and strawberry jam. But my research is far from over, as I am just starting to get comfortable with just being by myself. If you are feeling lonely and want to spend more time having fun, steal your roommate’s markers and color, or taste test PopTarts and see if they taste better in different areas on campus. After all, we really only have ourselves at the end of the day, so why not learn how to actually hang out with yourself?