The Inside Scoop: Male vs. Female

Have you ever wanted to read an article about how interesting (crazy) the female thought process is and how straightforward (simple, borderline dumb) the male thought process is? Well, you’re in luck! We decided to hash it out in order to present you with the (not-so-) shocking truth of the male mind versus the female mind (I wonder if this will help me get girls…). From both sides, here are our thoughts about this, that, and the man bun (Shoot me now):

1. Someone attractive smiles at you in Benson:

Female thoughts: Is he looking at me? Wait, why? Oh sh*t, have I met him before? We must have met before. Maybe CTW? Like he wouldn’t just smile at me if we hadn’t met before, right? God I wonder what my hair is doing, it probably looks like a bird’s nest right now.

Male thoughts: Wow, she’s attractive. Did she just smile at me? Hell yeah, I knew I was getting bigger. I’m a stud. Okay, now smile back. Smile back. Hurry, you’re staring. At least wave or something! Dammit, am I drooling?! Great, now she’s running away. Oh well, gotta meet up with my boys anyways.

2. General thoughts in the gym:

F: If anyone talks to me, I will kill them. If anyone looks at me, I will kill them… Whoo, okay, focus. Summer bod is worth the sweat. Oh my God I love this song. Is it too late now to say sorr-ayyyy? ‘Cause I’m missin’ more than just-a your bodaayyyy, ooooo… God I want to die right now but it’s gonna be worth it when I am a goddess holding a piña colada on the beach in a couple months. I think after today I’ll probably be able to see my abs. Definitely. Eff this hurts. But it really doesn’t matter because I’m still hot even with a few extra pounds, right?

M: Wow, I look terrible. I feel terrible. This is going to be terrible. Nothing is open? Perfect, I’ll just stand here like a lunatic and stare at people until they get off the equipment. Wow, that guy is huge. Go home man, you win. You don’t need to be here anymore, I do. Hey look at her, she’s cute. Wow, I am way too sweaty after just the warm up. This is going to be a long one. Alright douche, quit flexing at yourself in the mirror. Do that back in your room like a normal person. Hey look at her, she’s cute. Sh*t, we just made eye contact… Hurry, bench a lot of weight to try and impress her. Don’t get stuck don’t get stuck… Dammit I’m stuck. I need a spotter. F*ck this, I’m leaving.

3. Thoughts when entering a party:

F: Well, I couldn’t really expect to miraculously avoid running into him for the rest of the year, now could I? I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t see him. Where is Kell? She said she would be here soon, ugh. I need her like now. Like five minutes ago. Honestly, do I even know anyone here? I am a hundred percent not drunk enough for the level of frattiness that’s happening right now.

M: Wait, what do you mean you won’t let 7 dudes in? But I know the guys in there! We’re cool I promise. Hey, there’s a girl I know, I’ll just get in with her. Sweet, I’m in! No way I’m getting a drink, they won’t serve me for at least an hour. Where’d all my friends go? I’ll just walk around like I know what I’m doing until I see someone I know. Atta boy John, she’s hot! *starts talking to a girl* I am so not charming enough to do this. Why did I just say that? Oh well, I’ll just get way more drunk and see what happens.

4. Morning thoughts:

F: Coffee. Where is the coffee? Please just stick an IV of espresso in my arm. All right, okay, we can do it. Let’s go. I’m gonna get up in 3, 2, 1…eff. Hmm…white converse today or flip-flops? They’re both kind of no-fail with leggings I guess. La la la makeup time. Damn, I do NOT understand how some girls do that perfect winged eyeliner every day. Seriously like they must have taken painting lessons as children because wow. Do I have time for a Starbucks run? I’m already probably going to be late at this point anyways, soooo YOLO.

M: What the hell is going on down there? I just woke up!! Okay good it went away. Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Find a shirt. Find shorts. Grab your books. I look halfway decent, let’s do this. I’m way too tired to talk to anyone right now. I NEED FOOD.

5. General thoughts on the man-bun:

F: Yaaasssssssss, werk, boy, werk.

M: Jesus dude. I want to shave your head in your sleep. You look like you’re trying entirely too hard. You’re not a samurai from the 17th century. I bet you do Crossfit too, you megadouche. The amount of rage that I feel right now is so irrational. I just want to mash your stupid face by your man bun into that organic crap you’re eating. I don’t know you, but f*ck you dude. Wait… would I look good with a man bun?

6. Going to the bathroom at a party:

F: Ew, holy cow this is actually the most disgusting place I have ever been in my whole life. I wonder if I could pee without actually touching the toilet seat. Thank God I brought Amanda, Jessica, Angelina, Haley, Rachel, Marissa, and Katie with me. Oh my God, why is everyone so impatient. STOP POUNDING ON THE DOOR, HOLD ON! There are only three more of us who have to go. Okay, fine, we might as well let them in. Oh wow I love her outfit. How is she so pretty? I’m gonna talk to her. We should definitely be friends.

M: Where’s the nearest fence?

7. When you get a text from the opposite gender late at night that says, “What are you doing?”:

F: Does he seriously think that’s subtle?

M: *Starts sprinting over*

8. Posting a picture on Instagram:

F: Wow, VSCO is really the best editing app. The P5 filter is just hipster enough, and it still makes my skin look like it’s glowing. Hell yeah. Hm…it’s been ten minutes and I only have…SIX likes? Wtf. Maybe I posted at the wrong time, it’s kind of late. I feel like 4 pm is prime Instagram browsing time.

M: Wow, I haven’t posted in 32 weeks. Okay, caption has to be original and funny. “Formal with the boys”. Perfect. *Posts photo* Whoa, why is my phone blowing up? Oh yeah, I forgot I posted on Instagram. My ex liked it? Yeah, you wish you still had this.

9. Walking into a new class on the first day of the quarter:

F: Is there anyone in here I know? Sh*t, where do I sit? Guess I’ll walk aaaalllllllll the way across the front of the room to that seat in the back. I mean, I do look good today, it doesn’t really matter if everyone stares. This skirt was basically made to be shown off.

M: Friends? Nope. Head towards the nearest seat towards the back. Wait, there’s a spot open next to that super cute girl! Damn, how did I not see that! Would it be weird if I moved now?

10. When your friends insist you need to take another shot:

F: You know when you think you’re good and then you throw one back and you’re like EFF. You instantly know you went juuuuusssstttt over the edge and you’re immediately like, “Oh no. This is it.” That’s exactly what’s about to happen.

M: Okay cool, free booze.