I like to think of myself as a pretty resourceful, contributing member of society. But when I’m really honest with myself, I realize I am nothing without the greatly beloved I-word. Not I as in me, but rather the Internet. I can’t think of the last time I went a day without logging on.
I’m not just talking Instagram… I mean mapping around town, looking up a recipe, researching a historical event, solving a medical emergency… The list goes on. The Internet has created an interconnected global arena of prosperity, allowing those online to do just about anything with the click of a button.
Thus I arrive at today’s topic of online shopping. There was a time in my life when I boycotted the very thought of this… I needed to see what an article of clothing looked like on my body before I committed to a purchase. But today, this logic seems blasphemous and dated. Today I am a loyal online shopper. I’m a sucker for a good deal. Certain sites (ahem TOBI) capitalize on this weakness, targeting specific consumers as myself. I’m also on the email lists for certain sites (which I never remember signing up for). So when a “25% site wide sale 3 DAYS ONLY” email pops up on my phone, I’m practically brainwashed into navigating to the site. Or maybe it’s the URL embedded in the email that I click that helps me magically begin my online shopping session. At any rate, the online shopping experience is an exhaustive, research-heavy, meticulous, frustrating, painful, and overall glorious process. There are loopholes and rings of fire at every level – a modern day rat race.
So I’ve checked my bank account. $107.58. That means I can buy ~$50 of merc and still have ~$50 for my day-to-day needs for the remainder of the month. Let the games begin.
I troll through my email to make sure the site-wide sale is in effect… Bam. Offer ends at 11:59PM. I’ve got 4 hours. Tobi here I come.
I’ve been feeling like I need a form of winter warmth, some “outerwear” if you will. Sweaters and Cardigans or Jackets and Coats? Better browse through all 57 pages of both options, adding anything that catches my eye to my shopping cart.
I’m looking for the “collarbone-emphasis-slouchy-off-the-shoulder” look mixed with the “I-could-have-worn-this-to-bed-or-it-could-cost-more-than-a-month’s-worth-of-groceries” look.
Do I need the Jaina Knit Sweater or the Braelynn Blouson Sweater? And as for a color… Olive, taupe or cream? How am I to decide? They’re all so unique and unlike the next!!! Better add one of each color to the cart and decide at the end.
Maybe I should take a look at the dresses while they’ve got this site-wide sale… I’ll find a reason to wear a dress… But wait. There are subcategories to consider: Body-con, Casual, Midi & Maxi, Shift & Wrap, Skater.
You need a dictionary just to navigate the dresses. It’s like a new language. So here goes (Shout out to dictionary.com … that’s right, more I-word usage):
Body-con (n) – a style of skintight clothing that emphasizes the contours of the body
Casual (adj) – appropriate for wear or use on informal occasions; not dressy
Midi (n) – a skirt, dress, or coat, of mid-calf length
Maxi (n) – a long skit or skirt part, as of a coat or dress, ending below the middle of the calf but above the ankle
Shift (n) – a straight, loose-fitting dress worn with or without a belt
Wrap (n) – something to be wrapped about the person, especially in addition to the usual indoor clothing, as a shawl, scarf, or sweater
Skater (n) – a young person who typically wears baggy clothes and spend a lot of time skateboarding
I glance at Body-con but who am I kidding, everyday of my life is a carbo-load. This pretty much exiles me from any chance of rocking the “skintight” style that “emphasizes the contours of the body.” NEXT.
Casual seems safe. I’m causal. I could wear dresses to casual events. Or in my causal daily life. I like casual. Alright, My Destiny Shirt Dress, lets give you a try. Add to cart.
Midi & Maxi, Shift & Wrap, and Skater become a blur of disposition. My fingers keep clicking sizes, which conveniently automatically adds them to my shopping cart. I can no longer tell black from white. Nearing the end of the sale, my subconscious urges me to keep going, keep comparing, keep clicking.
I realize the havoc that I’m wreaking on this site and decide it is time… Time to check the cart. 18 items totaling $496.38, without shipping. But the discount code hasn’t been applied yet and I’ve got some duplicate items in different colors. I can do this. I’m still in the game.
DECISION TIME. Am I a taupe or an olive sweater wearer? What is better for my skin tone? What even is my skin tone? Eeny meeny miny moe it is.
As for the dresses, a similar approach while taking into consideration my current shoe selection and social agenda. Maybe I don’t need 10 dresses right now. Let’s say five. It’s good to have options. **Remembers bank account** Ok I can afford one dress.
After making my final selections, I hit the checkout button. And now I wait, wait for that darling little Tobi box to show up on my doorstep, in all its glory. And the site has a free return policy!! So in the off chance that I don’t look exactly like the perfect model from the pictures in my new attire, I can return it! HA, this is too easy.
Sometimes I wonder what Tobi headquarters looks like. Heaven? Or Hell? It’s hard to decipher. On the one hand, a bountiful land of all this season’s must-haves. On the other, a factory in overload – workers running around like chickens with their heads cut off, screaming, trying to meet the needs of basic, seemingly (wannabe) fashion-forward girls everywhere.
Whatever the case, my closet would be a lot emptier without Tobi’s existence. And thank heavens for the I-word, eliminating the steps of driving to the mall, trying on clothes, and carrying them home that day.