I know what you’re thinking: why would anyone want to be a third wheel? Being a third wheel sucks. While others may only see the drawbacks to being singled out, I see the value of being a truly kick-ass third wheel. Because, at the end of the day, you’re still going to be a third wheel, so why not have a little fun with it?
Step One: Realization
Your friend and their significant other invite you out. Sounds fun, right? Wrong. If you accept this request, you are willingly falling into being a third wheel. If this is the case, I feel no sympathy for you. And it’s all fun and games, until the duo (let’s refer to “them” as the “duo” – the lines have been drawn) start getting all touchy-feely with each other and you don’t know whether to fade into the void of nonexistence, cry, or just simply…roll away. I prefer the latter, but to each their own.
You know the moment. You’re walking a few steps in front of them on the sidewalk, because let’s face it: the sidewalk was not built for three people to walk side by side. You turn around and…BAM! Horror. There is some serious handholding and thumb-massaging going on. Your head snaps back. Your first instinct will be to run; this is natural. It’s at this point that you must decide what kind of third wheel you want to be. Regardless, be cool.
Step Two: Scrambling
It’s at this point that you recognize and acknowledge your singleness. You are completely and utterly alone. You know that your best friend still loves you, but you still can’t help but feel like a second choice. At first you’re in denial: you think, “This isn’t real life,” or, “This is just a stage, they’ll break up in like a week, maybe two.” This phase will pass, and you’ll quickly fall into bargaining as a way to cope with oncoming changes.
Step Three: Survival
It’s been at least a month at this point, and the duo’s relationship is going strong. They’re happy and in love and it makes you want to throw up everywhere. Instead of simply surviving, thrive! This is a thing now, and if the duo is inviting you out, trust that they want you there. But be careful to read every situation, and know when to get out. I’ll give you some hearty advice that my mother gave me when I was younger: “When you feel left out, include yourself!” (thanks mom). So, when you inevitably feel left out, or have no idea what they’re talking about (i.e., inside jokes), laugh anyways! It will annoy them, it will be fun, and you’ll thank me. When you witness the The Look, however (you know the one – the “I-love-you-let’s-do-it-right-here” look), be a bro and get the hell out!
Step Four: Rewards
Being a third wheel can be rewarding, seriously! Let’s look at the pros and cons.
Pros: You still get to spend time with your friend, and if their partner’s cool, you make a new friend too. While the duo shares dessert, you get your own! Now, who’s embarrassed and looks like a fool? Did I mention you get the whole front seat of the car to yourself while you chauffeur them around AND a whole side of a booth (so much room for activities…by yourself).
Cons: No one to cuddle. You will eventually and inevitably have to buy eight cats and die alone.
Step Five: Awkward moments
As the relationship matures, you mature with it. What does this mean? Well, the duo will start to feel increasingly comfortable around you, and as a result will start to say and do things that cross boundaries. For example, they will start to supply you with unsolicited dating advice. They will work tirelessly to set you up, and will remind you that you have “so many great qualities” and that “anyone would be lucky to have you.”
Next up, secrets. Secrets are fun, but now you’re also friends with the significant other and this, of course, complicates things. Ground yourself in what kind of third wheel you want to be (here’s to hoping you’re a good one). If this is the case, it’s not your place to be spilling their secrets; it’s their business. All you can do is remind them to be open and honest with each other.
At the end of the day, remember to be the best bro you can be and never pick sides (it’s a trap!).
Step Six: Surrender/Attachment
This is when you completely surrender yourself to being a third wheel, and honestly, you probably wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, they are your friends and you love them. You will not only start to tolerate their antics, but will look forward to the moments you spend together. If this is the case, you have some kick-ass friends, so try your upmost to be the kick-ass third wheel that they deserve. But don’t forget to make fun of them when they display affection in public, or even in private, for that matter. Do it!
Next time you feel ashamed for being a third wheel, don’t! Before you complain, consider how important the role you play is. You make so many selfless sacrifices that go overlooked, and I would like to take this opportunity to appreciate your existence, my fellow comrades. You are the best friend, the counselor, the shoulder to cry on, the conversation-filler, the advice-giver, and the picture-taker – and one day, when you find your significant other, you’ll get to go on some kick-ass double dates and make the duo feel like one giant third wheel. Think about the possibilities!