I’m going to start off by saying that this article is not about ‘relationship insecurity’, where it’s jealousy that happens when you get upset that your boyfriend is talking to a pretty girl. The relationship I’m more concerned about is the relationship of self, the feeling of “I want to be her” that stings us all at some point. Plain and simple, jealousy is the result of insecurity. But everyone gets jealous at one point or another, so are we really all that insecure?
Our self-image is relational.
In that I mean that we get the idea of how pretty, smart, or funny we are by comparing ourselves to how pretty, smart, or funny others are. It’s no wonder that when we feel that we are the smartest in the class, we feel better about ourselves than when we are surrounded by students who seem to have it all figured out and we’re trailing behind.
We compare, compare, compare ourselves to others all day. Sometimes we don’t even realize that our daily comparisons, the “I wish I could pull off her outfit”, “why wasn’t I as quick-witted as her?” or “why can’t I be doing all the amazing things she’s doing?” type of thoughts leave us with a jealous pit in our stomachs at the end of the day.
Humans have always been in competition with one another. Whether it be thousands of years ago when only the strongest would get food, or in modern day where only those with the best grades get into grad school. We are programmed to compare and actively seek out ways we could be better so that we can beat out our competition. Therefore this constant comparison is natural. But how do we turn these comparisons and the nature of competition into motivation instead of self-detrimental jealousy?
For me, it takes conscious effort. When I unwind at the end of the day, turn off my mind and scroll through the endless outlets of social media, I can easily get overwhelmed by how much better everyone else’s lives seem compared to mine. I often then write lists of things I want to do, improvements I can make in my life, and ways to fuel this jealousy into action. But then I wonder, am I doing this for me, or to be more like her?
Although this may be sounding like a mushy “love yourself” “you are valued” type of article, the realization of self-worth and self-acceptance is important in crushing the little green monster for good.
Some keys to healthy motivation:
● Of course, try and limit your comparisons to others. Although cutting comparison out completely is impossible, I find social media to be a contributing source that can be minimized throughout the day.
● Set goals and adjust your frame of mind from helplessness to action. This will allow you to see how capable you are.
● Notice your self-improvemen ts, the little victories. Make sure to acknowledge when you do something right or complete something challenging. The consistent achievement of small goals will help you feel confident in yourself.
● Do things that make you happy, not things where you feel the need to prove yourself. For example, I like being outside, teaching myself a new song on piano, and taking dance classes. No one I know really sees me doing these things, but they help me feel better.
In short, jealousy is unavoidable. However what results from it is a choice. Will you let the roomful of beautiful, witty intellectuals intimidate you or empower you? It’s up to you!