You don’t need to live with your partner to have a committed relationship

Several years ago, I found myself in a conversation with a coworker that changed my life.

I was recently single at the time and about to transfer to a different college that was further away from home. I mentioned to her that I felt lucky at how uncomplicated things were. Compared to my friends who were living with their partners, I had the freedom to do as I pleased.

She smiled in a way that told me she knew something I didn’t.

“My long-term partner and I live apart,” she shared. “We always have. Cohabitating is just not for everyone. We’re in our fifties now and happier than ever together.”

Let me tell you – that left me reeling.

A good six years later, I find myself more and more inclined to her philosophy every day. I should preface all this by saying that I’m not talking about long distance relationships. Rather, I’m talking about staying in that place where you’re fully committed, but not living together yet.

Our media presents us with a set of criteria on the ‘right’ way to have a relationship. We’re told that if you haven’t moved in together by a certain point, one of you must have commitment issues.

Is that really true? Or is it just something we’ve blindly accepted.

Maybe living situations aren’t a ‘one size fits all’. Here are some reasons why living apart has worked for me and my partner for years:

Preferences

People who know me say that I’m like a cat. And it’s true. My space is very important to me and I can be particular about my home, from the location to the design to everywhere in between. Factor in my partner’s preferences, and suddenly I’d be paying to move into a space that doesn’t tick the necessary boxes. That’s when we decided, why not stay in the now, when both of us are happy with our weekly sleepovers and visits?

Appreciation

I’ve come to believe that missing someone is a good thing, to a certain point. On days and nights that I’m not with my partner, I don’t find myself wishing that they were there. Instead, it gives me an opportunity to reflect on all the little the things I appreciate about them when we are together. It allows me to anticipate and look forward to the next time we meet, without losing sight of myself and my own needs.

Connection

People are creatures of habit, especially in our homes. One of the things I love most about living separately from my partner is that our relationship is still chalk full of surprises. Whenever I’m at their place or they’re at mine, I discover something about them that makes me fall in love all over again. Sometimes it’s a funny quirk, or a new hobby. A cool possession they recently acquired. It’s cliché, but it does keep the mystery alive.

Spontaneity

Since my partner and I don’t live together, we truly value the time we spend with each other. Plans are made, and we both put in time and effort towards finding things to do together. We never find our relationship trapped in the same, dull routine. Instead, we travel both near and far, explore new restaurants, natural areas of our city, and go to events that spark our interests. In doing so, we continue to learn things about each other that really strengthen our emotional connection.

Finances

Living apart isn’t possible for everyone financially, or the best decision. But if you’re fortunate enough to be able to, there may be some value in it. Blending lives requires at least some joint financial decisions that can’t be avoided, and that can take away a portion of your financial independence. When you live alone, you’re the one that dictates where all of your money goes. Not to go too dark, but this also makes a future break-up or separation that much easier on you both.

On a final note, I want to mention that living separately requires different trust skills than cohabitating. One option is not better or easier than the other. That’s precisely why I think that a healthy, committed relationship will differ from person to person.

With that in mind, I hope this Valentine’s day I’ve given you a new perspective to consider. Whether you’re single, happily committed, or anywhere in between, do things your way. It’s your relationship, after all!

• living
• relationships