The First 168 Hours
By: Bailey Albert
“I was so in love with him, it was like he was a part of me.” I recently ended my relationship of a year and two weeks and this thought keeps repeatedly running through my mind. How could I have possibly let go of someone who had become such a significant part of my life? It was not easy. The following is my first 168 hours after losing the person whom I believe is the love of my life.
Monday:
I called him around 8:30 p.m. telling him that we needed to talk. I knew that this wouldn’t be like any of our other conversations, something felt different. I started crying as soon as I said my first sentence, “I want you to know that I am not mad, angry or resentful toward you. I love you.” I emptied my heart and soul into everything that I had to say to him. After what felt like forever, I asked him to say something. Out of respect to him, I won’t disclose what he said but what he did say was the moment that I knew that what I was doing was the right thing, even if I knew I would be hurt. I ended the conversation with saying, “I want you to grow, be successful and be happy. I love you. Bye.” I then broke down. I was hysterically crying I almost felt tempted to call 911 thinking that my heart had burst and my lungs collapsed. This continued on for hours until I ended crying myself to sleep.
Tuesday:
I cried as soon as I woke up. My head felt heavy and my heart felt shattered. I don’t even know why I got ready that day, I guess to force myself into life, prove to myself that I am still alive. I skipped school. There was no way I was even capable of not crying, let alone function properly in class. I found myself at my church for the end of mass and cried the whole time. I eventually pried myself out of the pew and ended up spending the day with my nephews with my phone face down on the counter. I was fine all day until night rolled around. I crumbled to pieces after I called him and told him it was a mistake and he denied having me back.
Wednesday:
As soon as I woke up, I knew I had to be strong. I had a huge interview, class and other meetings going on that day. I dressed to feel my best and walked out the door as if I wasn’t falling apart on the inside. I went the whole day polished and perfect, but at night whenever I placed my head on my pillow and started scrolling through his social media, I hurt all over again and made up for what I ignored that day.
Thursday:
“If you love someone, let it go. If it returns, it was meant to be.” I never felt anything about this quote because I never loved anything, except my dog. I let him go so he could grow, explore life and have no restrictions. To push him out of my head, I had to keep telling myself the mere truth: he is not returning. Yet, I held on because I had some hope that maybe he would see what he is missing out on. I didn’t cry, I ate three meals and I went to sleep decently okay. To me, that was progress and a giant step.
Friday:
I woke up happy. The night before I thought about how I just need to slowly let go. I removed all of my jewelry from him, piece by piece, unfollowed him on all social media and deleted all of our messages and 200+ photos from my phone. I had a great day at work and went to bed exhausted, but from a day of productivity not emotional weakness.
Saturday:
We work in the same mall and I knew today he was working the same shift as me. I purposely stayed in the back for my break and refused to go anywhere near him. I strictly focused on work, stayed off my phone and tried to have the best day as I could. Whenever my coworkers asked about what happened, I told them that we both needed to grow and become happy with our lives and that space was necessary. I knew bad mouthing him would do nothing but be a lie because I love him and he does not deserve to be mistreated.
Sunday:
My entire family gathered together to have a family dinner. Having them around filled my heart back up, my lungs were breathing loving air and I could feel nothing but happiness. I was starting to move on from him and although I wasn’t 100% ready, I knew that I was strong enough to accomplish it.
I still love him and I truly believe that I always will. He has placed a special imprint on my heart and for that I am thankful because he showed me love, he showed me how to trust people, he taught be how to open up and he made me realize my true inner and outer beauty. I do hope for the best for him and I hope that he accomplishes all that he sets his heart and mind to. As for me, I’m okay. I surround myself with positive, loving people, I stay involved with activities I am passionate about and I find something beautiful every day.