Let’s face it, everyone’s socially awkward at one time or another.
I don’t think ANYONE in this world is as smooth as they think they are. We all like to think we’re calm and cool, like Teresa Palmer in I am Number Four, walking away in shades from the house she just left in flames, but the truth is that faultless and collected people simply don’t exist. I’m the kind of person who likes to think I’m like Fabio when I’m walking in the wind, my long hair blowing around timelessly, but in all reality, it’s a frizzed-up mane whose strands get stuck in my eyes and mouth, making me literally suffocate. My spirit animal is Stephen Merchant (just look him up) because I’m the girl who trips walking down the Standish Library steps, my protruding backpack making me lose balance and deciding to sprawl my textbooks across the floor. So, if you want to find out what some signs are that let you know you’re socially awkward (which we both know you are), just keep reading and embrace your inner Michael Cera.
1. You make eye contact with your neighbor and just as they go to say something you turn away and speed walk to your door.
You pull into your driveway and step out of the car. Whilst going to the back seat to grab whatever it is you’re grabbing, you see through the opposite window that your neighbor is standing across from you in their yard. As you gather your things and stand up, about to shut the door, you make eye contact. You freeze and forget how to smile or how to properly greet someone. As they begin to lift their right hand to wave, and their mouth slowly curves upward into a friendly-looking position that suggests they’re going to say something, you freak out and spin around, speed walking to the door and slamming it shut without looking behind you. Oh my God, that was a close call.
2. You think someone waves at you and you try to embrace the awkwardness by calling it out but it really just makes it more awkward.
The idea of calling something out instead of letting it go is really just awkward in any situation. Instead of doing the regular awkward thing by playing it off and going with it, you decide to do the worse awkward thing by consciously pointing it out to make a light joke, bringing attention to something probably no one noticed anyway. If you think someone waves at you when they were waving to someone else and you accidentally wave back, just go with the obvious awkward thing by brushing your hand through your hair. There’s no need to laugh while looking at the stranger, pointing at the hand you waved and shaking your head. That just makes things uncomfortable.
3. You mess up your food order… ALL THE TIME!
You pull up to the drive-thru intercom, they ask what you’d like to order, you pause for an awkwardly long time, make a weird grunt, and say the first thing you think of. You end up getting a chai tea from Starbucks when you were actually in the mood for a caramel macchiato. Then, to top it off, you start pulling away before realizing you left your card in the chip reader. This could also work in reverse—the window guy gives you the wrong order and instead of letting them know, you slowly take it with a crooked smile and say thanks in an obviously forced voice.
4. You give the wrong small talk response.
Waitress: Enjoy your meal!
You: Thanks, you too!
…
You: Hey, how are you?
Person: Good! How are you?
You: Good, thanks! You?
…
Person: Good morning!
You: Good, thanks!
…
When it’s night time, you say, “Have a good day!”
5. You don’t know how to end a conversation.
Some people have a chronic case of not knowing how to end a conversation. You know you’ve been talking too long if you start bringing up topics like the weather or awkwardly look away from the person and quietly stand next to them, people-watching the crowd. This is a sign the conversation probably should have ended at least five minutes ago, if not more. Another sign you’re awkward at ending conversations is if you just smile and laugh at something someone says and then turn around and walk away without saying anything. You know you’re guilty.
6. You try acting drunk at a party but look like Leonardo Dicaprio as Jordan Belfort in Wolf of Wall Street when he takes rancid ludes.
All I have to say is… ACTING DRUNK ISN’T COOL. The end.
7. You isolate yourself from your significant other’s family in the kitchen because you don’t know when it’s appropriate to leave the living room couch.
You’re at your SO’s house, or even just your friend’s, and instead of joining the party in the kitchen, you stay sitting in the living room because that’s where everyone was before and it’s warm and comfy and you don’t know if you’re invited into the kitchen too and you kind of have interest in the movie that’s playing and you don’t want to stand up with everyone because you’ve been holding in gas and it’ll definitely come out if you move in any way but now you’ve been thinking about things for too long and it’ll be awkward if you just casually stroll in behind everyone and… AHHHHHHH!!!
8. You hide in your room and peek through the window when the UPS guy comes.
If the UPS or mail guy rings the doorbell, or if anyone does, you dart from the loveseat where you’ve been marathoning Netflix all day, turning you into Oscar from Sesame Street, and spring past the door (even though the doorbell-ringer clearly saw you through the glass) into your room and lock the door behind you, peering through the upstairs window, the light hurting your TV-strained eyes. It’s human life. An actual living, breathing human specimen, but the light burns and he could be a serial killer, so you watch until he gets back in the car and drives away.
9. You stare at your phone when it rings and debate whether you want human vocal contact but decide to blow it off.
All I have to say for this one is that if it’s important, they’ll leave a message. It’s fine.
10. You look at the ground when you walk… and you walk quickly.
If you do this, the truth is you kind of look like an ax-murderer plotting your next act. It’s like one of those things where people who sleep with their socks on definitely have a dark side. But I’m here to let you know you’re not alone. I do this too, and usually don’t wave back or say hi to the people who I know that see me, not because I’m a miserable human being as it’s perceived, but literally because I don’t see them or it takes me too long to register what just happened. People, if I do this to you, please don’t take offense! I promise I’m just awkward.
Okay, so some of these may be really specific, but they’re true, and chances are you’ve done at least one of these things. If not, witnessing someone do it is always good for the soul too. But either way, embrace your inner awkwardness and love the friends and family you have whose awkwardness makes you laugh everyday, because laughing keeps you young, happy and alive.
Stay strong and stay awkward my fellow awkwardians.