A Walk on the Child Side: Answering The Most Important Question

Recently, the official Sesame Street Twitter account posed an innocent enough question: which of these four characters, Cookie Monster, Elmo, Grover, and Oscar the Grouch would you choose to live with you on a deserted island…and why?!

But this is the internet, so it went off the rails pretty quickly.

(live look at Twitter)

I decided for this week’s column that I would discuss my personal decision and why–I won’t link any of the hilarious (but disturbing) other responses here, but if you think you can handle ruining your entire childhood with just a few clicks, you can certainly look for yourself.

(Me, reading other people’s tweets on the matter)

Anyway…my thoughts follow below (and yes, I will be submitting this article for peer review and inclusion in the academic journal Sesame Street Monthly*).

*is not real :(

(everyone reading this, looking into the camera like Bert, AKA the original Jim Halpert)

Cookie Monster:

I love Cookie Monster–I really do! But in this situation, I’m not sure he’d be the best dude for aiding in my survival. First, I think there would be a clear lack of cookies, and for that reason, I think he would get quite annoying very quickly. No one wants to be stuck on a deserted island with a literal monster who is deprived of his cookies. Alternately, if food on the island is sparse, Cookie Monster could make a great meal. And yes, I am already regretting typing that.

Elmo:

Oh, Elmo. Elmo, Elmo, Elmo. I have a few thoughts on Elmo. To start, he did make his way around the talk show circuit in the early 2000s, so I do think he could be quite entertaining. Maybe he even has some gossip on Martha Stewart or something! He even once testified in front of Congress–which is PRETTY DARN COOL. That being said, his voice is suuuuper annoying (Hi, parents of young children! I see you! I agree with you!). That right there kicks him off of the list for me. And Congressional testimony isn’t going to help you build a campfire or life raft.

Oscar the Grouch:

I’ve long believed that Oscar’s trash can is a true bag of tricks…sort of like Hermione’s bag in the last two Harry Potter films. It’s bigger on the inside, and can definitely fit a bunch of survival tools. I have two problems with this solution, however: 1) we don’t know the circumstances of the stranding and therefore can’t know for certain that Oscar would have the necessary materials, and 2) I don’t enjoy grouchy people anyway. Oscar is out.

Grover:

Spoiler alert: I choose Grover. Hands down. No contest. First, Grover worked a whole bunch of customer service jobs over his time on Sesame Street, so I think he would be patient and resourceful–the two most important things you can be in customer service, and on deserted islands. Further, he has the alternate persona of Super Grover. Obviously Super Grover’s whole schtick is that while he bumbles around trying to solve the problem, the child he’s helping just figures it out on their own. While this may not seem useful, I think Grover would provide an adequate amount of support for me while I work hard at getting off of the island, and truly, support is all I need. I’m pretty self-sufficient, but I would appreciate the laughs Grover would provide.

Anyway: Grover forever.

• a walk on the child side
• Sesame Street