In college, we are exposed to a vast network of individuals, and this setting, some may say, is the most diverse you will experience in your lifetime in terms of personalities and freedom to meet all sorts of people within a confined space. This can be in class, club meetings, dorms, social gatherings, or dating apps. The culture of dating apps has taken off in the past few years. It’s exceedingly popular amongst college students, allowing for a much more accessible medium to find a person of interest with predefined filters and could bring you closer to “your person”.
Regardless of how you may come in contact with your significant other, that is only the first step to a budding relationship, and the time and energy devoted to further building that foundation after getting your foot in the door is a slow-burn process that requires attentiveness with both parties. Let’s dive a bit deeper into the method behind the madness relationships expose you to.
Listening and Reflecting
Determining compatibility between you and the person of interest is a complex and deep-rooted procedure that will be initiated from the beginning within the first interaction and can gradually build over time. The pace of this growth is dependent on how comfortable both parties are, how open you become with one another, and how true to yourself you remain from the beginning.
Naturally, we may put on a front when meeting someone to paint the picture of ourselves we would like to portray or to balance the other person’s energy, however with time that will sooner or later wear out. Being yourself from the beginning will make the process of opening up much easier and will also save you the time early on to recognize if the other person is reciprocating the same energy as you.
A relationship is a partnership that allows you to feel vulnerable, safe, and at ease. It should not be draining, but rejuvenating. If at a certain point, you don’t feel this way, take a moment to understand why this may objectively be the case. Address these concerns with your partner early on to avoid resentment as allowing this to continue will only indirectly contribute to other issues later on. It is important to prioritize how you feel as much as it is the other person, and it is also crucial to understand that this is not something you have signed an irreversible contract for either. We are internally, psychologically, and mentally, constantly growing as humans and if at a point in time, things start going south, listen to yourself and consider those signs when understanding the future between you and your partner.
Combatting Differences
It is much easier to grow as a relationship if you can establish a solid friendship before progressing into more of an intimate connection. This includes being able to openly speak with one another, respect each other’s presence, and see through your differences in a sophisticated, mature manner. While you may be in a relationship with them, this does not mean you will see eye to eye with each matter, and that is completely okay. The important aspect is how you combat the differences while understanding each other’s communication style. Between Assertive, Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, and Manipulative, finding where each person stands is a hard pill to swallow, but crucial to move forward within a relationship if your communication styles directly contradict the other person’s, it is going to be a difficult journey to resolve conflict efficiently.
Remaining respectful, and patient and remembering why you are in the relationship in the first place throughout these differences is a great way to keep the resolving process in tune with moving forward as a unit, as opposed to standing on opposite ends.
A key aspect of tackling differences is respecting the other person’s individuality. This boils down to meeting in the middle and finding a balance between each other’s perspectives, whether that be about cultural, intrapersonal, lifestyle, or all of the above. Sacrificing is a huge indicator of effort put into the relationship, and a little bit of sacrifice goes a long way in showing you are equally as invested and devoted to supporting the relationship to thrive. This could include switching off planning date nights so that you both have the opportunity to pursue your favorite activities, favorite foods, or explore your favorite locations with your favorite person. Going back to the passive resentment building, try to have moments where you sit down and just reflect on how you feel about each other either constructive or appreciative to mitigate that. There is a thin line between being open-minded and accepting, and respecting your desires and needs, and achieving both will set you up for success.
If Things Are Going Well, Let Them!
Let’s say you are a few years down in your relationship and things are going amazingly well. You have checked all the boxes between understanding love languages and personalities. When the grass seems a bit too green, it could be hard to digest that this is simply the result of the time and dedication you both have put in to reach this point in the relationship, especially if you have overcome several obstacles to reach this point. Tracy Ross at Well and Good emphasizes that there are individuals that are not able to “tolerate too much harmony”. Some are not able to fully comprehend the sweet symphony of pure compatibility including the “intimacy, closeness and connection”. The fear of this sensation coming to an end at any given moment prevents a partner’s ability to feel secure, rather they will in turn pick fights as a method of coping and inserting conflict themselves so that they are not sprung by it first.
Self Sabotaging enforces this slight doubt of incompatibility one person might hold and by bringing up these instances of conflict, you are providing that part of your brain satisfaction to reassure that this relationship is too good to be true. This is a result of feeling like you may not be deserving of this aspect of your life that is going well. However this is something that the other person cannot necessarily mend, the healing of self-sabotage should come from within by learning to be comfortable within a “secure” relationship and trusting that you are at this stage after all the hard work both partners have put in.
Between reflecting, understanding differences, and avoiding self-sabotage, there are several aspects within a relationship that will boost you to remain happy and healthy. All in all, I hope you can take away from these lessons to further build and grow within your relationship.
Can you think of other ways to build a strong relationship? Let us know @HerCampusSJSU!