Disclaimer…. These are HORRORscopes—in other words, they should horrify you. Don’t take this too personally though (I’m talking to you, Cancer), because it’s just a playful roast! Also, FYI, I have an extremely minimal knowledge of each astrological sign.
Nevertheless, here are some things that your sign needs to hear, even though you probably don’t want to hear them.
ARIES: Hey Aries, maybe you should stop acting so impulsively, and take some time to think about your actions. Like, maybe your actions affect other people and not just yourself!! Communicate because Aries, buddy, we can’t read your mind.
TAURUS: Taurus, it’s time to stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself. When people tell you to do something, how about you just do it instead of actively NOT doing it just because they asked you to. Get up, lazy!
GEMINI: Shut up bro, we get it: you’re a Gemini, so you’re two faced. It honestly makes sense that you talk so much since you’re basically two people in one. You should try this thing called ‘listening’.
CANCER: Hi Cancer!! Haha, so I think you forgot that other people have problems too! Like I know you’re sensitive and all but stop acting like the tiniest of insults is the most offensive thing in the world. Maybe you should take that into consideration when you roast everyone else.
LEO: ATTENTION EVERYONE, A LEO HAS ENTERED THE CHAT!!! Yo chill, Leo. You don’t always have to be the center of attention. Take a step back and let people vent to you without switching the subject back to yourself EVERY TIME.
VIRGO: Virgo, I just have one question: Why are you so picky? Like, it’s fine if things don’t go your way ONCE. You hold everyone, including yourself, at such a high standard. Take a chill pill, a deep breath, and maybe have a cup of herbal tea. Relax. Seriously, it’s stressing ME out.
LIBRA: Ok first of all, you can’t just ignore all confrontation. Second of all, you can’t just tell people what you think they want to hear all the time. I know, it’s absolutely bonkers Libra, but sometimes you actually have to tell the truth!
SCORPIO: “AHHH! A MINOR INCONVENIENCE!!!” -every Scorpio ever. You seem to just blow every little thing way out of proportion. Did you ever think that sometimes it’s better to let things be rather than try to prove a stupid point?
SAGITTARIUS: Oh my gosh, you’re such a know-it-all. Ok cool, maybe you do know all the answers, but Sag, stop rubbing it in everyone else’s face. It’s not your responsibility to educate other people on their own feelings.
CAPRICORN: Ok, I’ll give it to you Cap, you’re very ambitious, but honestly, sometimes you work TOO hard. It’s like every time you’re given a task, you shift into maximum overdrive and NEED to be the BEST. Don’t waste your time. Relax.
AQUARIUS: Wow, so as it turns out, not everyone is perfect, Aquarius! You SHOULD know this sinceyou’re so ~quirky~, but you need to stop focusing on other people’s problems and pay more attention to their positive characteristics.
PISCES: Hey Pisces! Over here! Why don’t you come back down to Earth and stop daydreaming for a sec? Seriously, take this as a wake-up call and get your head out of the clouds. Being messy is fine, but don’t let yourself spiral out of control.