If there is one thing men have… it is the audacity. I’m serious. Have you ever been on a first date? Better yet, have you ever been on a dating app? The world is a scary place, where men have the audacity to say the worst things and act in the worst ways. I have compiled a list of 50 of the worst dates that I have experienced or heard about. So, without further ado, here are the 50 worst first dates imaginable.
1. Momma’s Boy
Let me paint you a picture: you go on a gym date as the first date. Yes, it’s already horrible, but we will continue, anyways. Then, you go drive him back to his place – yes, there are a lot of red flags to this – and he invites you inside to meet his mother and grandmother. Needless to say, you would be mortified. And, you would never call him back.
2. Speed Racer
You know things will never go well on a date if a guy asks how long it will be until you sleep with him. Moreso, if he continues to ask how long until you’ll marry him after sleeping together. Let’s just say you should run for the hills at that point. Oh, and he will probably make you pick up the tab for dinner.
3. Mr. not so nice guy
So, you decide to take love into your own hands and go on Tinder. Good for you! You go on a few dates with a guy, thinking he might be boyfriend material. And then it happens: he tries to pull a fast one and get you to sleep with him on date three. You, always the optimist, presumed it was a harmless movie night because you were watching an extremely nerdy show that no one should ever get steamy to – for the sake of the story, assume Star Wars or Star Trek level of nerdiness. You hurriedly grab your stuff and leave. He wasn’t boyfriend material after all.
4. Burrito boy
You invite a guy over for dinner after going on a date. Your mom makes fajitas, and you assume he will be okay because who hasn’t wrapped a fajita before, right? Surprise: this boy. You have found the only boy in the world that can’t wrap a fajita. What are the odds, right?
5. cheeto-shirt boy
Picture this: you are the single friend, and everyone wants you to have a boyfriend because “if anyone deserves someone, it’s you.” So you get set up on a date. What is he wearing when you get to the ice cream shop? A cheeto shirt with green athletic shorts. I only stayed because I wanted ice cream really bad.
6. stanky ‘steven’
This boy asks you on a date to the bowling alley. The issue? When he is putting on his shoes to bowl, you get a whiff of his feet, and for the love of all things good and right, that boy’s feet stank so bad they had to have crawled up from hell.
7. Saturdays are for the boys
You get dressed up and drive to the location of the date. You are excited and happy to be on a date, and he shows up with the boys. Yes, the disappointment is palpable.
8. no show ‘nevel’
After setting up a spot to meet, you arrive looking cute with your makeup and hair done, but the boy isn’t there. So you wait for fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, forty-five minutes and then an hour until he shows up. Mortifying.
9. captain herp
Have you ever met a guy and thought he was perfect? Me too. That is how this date went until he opened his mouth and said the worst possible thing in the world: “By the way, you should know that I have herpes.”
10. single mom?
This isn’t even the boy’s fault. You don’t really like the guy, so you take your baby niece on the date, hoping to deter him. However, it only makes him like you more. So now, you have a guy thinking you’re a single mom and digging it. What else could go wrong?
11. hit it and dip it
This is a classic. The one guy that believes that buying you dinner means that he has a right to have sex with you. Needless to say, there will not be a second date.
12. the soulmate connection
So, you are back on Tinder. Yes, you should really learn from previous mistakes, but I won’t judge. But there’s this guy… and he is really hot. You go to meet him, and he is just as great in person as online. He ends the date by saying that you have a “soulmate connection.” You’re on cloud nine, happy and excited for your future possible relationship. That is until he leaves and goes back to his home in Utah.
13. poopy pants
Okay, so maybe it’s the first date, and you’re still around your family a lot, so he ends up meeting your mom. No big deal. This is manageable. That is until your mother decides to tell him stories about you. Not the cute childhood ones though. No, it’s the story about how you were sick and almost pooped your pants, which just so happened to be last week. And that is where the love story ends, folks.
14. the one where he thinks he’s funny
You go on a date with an older guy. You are excited because he is supposed to be mature, but then he orders “a coke to eat and a margherita pizza to drink.” And then proceeds to laugh at his horrid joke. Yes, I understand your horror, and trust me, I felt it too.
15. the tattoo artist
I would like to bestow some loving, older-sister knowledge upon you. If the man gives you a tattoo on the first date, don’t stay with him. This is taking the archetype of getting his and her tattoos to a whole new level. Do not date your tattoo artist!
16. harry styles’ nemesis
“When I say controlling, you say…” The answer, for all of you non-Harry Styles fans, is bye-bye. Picture the first date, and the guy who is sitting across from you suddenly has a say in every aspect of your life. I already have parents, and I don’t need a third person trying to influence my decisions about my life. So, bye-bye.
17. the tongue kisser
I’m not against tongue kissing. However, when a man practically swallows my whole face, sticks his tongue down my throat and makes me wonder if I am about to be cannibalized, then I have a minor, actually make that a major, issue.
18. lebron fans…
So you’re on a date, and he has been telling you about himself and turns the conversation towards you. Therefore, you start talking about your interests and the things you love. You think it’s going well until he interrupts to say, “Yeah, yeah. So Lebron…”
19. dead flower man
There’s no easy way to say this, but if you’re gonna buy flowers, buy some nice ones.
20. wait… this is a date?
I really don’t know how much more you need to know. I myself was very confused too.
21. mommy’s money
Let’s go on a date to the mall. And then the boy says this horrid line when he finds shoes that he likes, “I’ll just have my mom come buy them.”
22. designer baggage
You go on a date with a guy, and you really really like him…but he has a lot of his own baggage. It’s not his fault – everyone goes through their own journey at different paces. However, if you can’t – or don’t want to – handle the heaviness of this baggage, then the only option is to end things right off the bat.
23. still hung up on his ex
There are millions of songs about this exact phenomena. Need I say more?
24. eager mothers
This one is for the mothers who want their kid to marry their significant other. Like…yesterday.
25. the picket fence guy
I love talking about the future. I’m a girl — it’s in my DNA! However, some guys are not the type that you want to see again after the first date, so I’d avoid discussing the future with them. I can’t tell you where it all went wrong with this guy —there were just too many red flags — but what I clearly remember was sitting in his car while he went on and on about the future that we could have. Specifically, the future that we could have with my future salary. I was unimpressed.
26. Scarf Boy
He shows up to the date… with a scarf on. I’d say I’m a relaxed person, but it was not a scarf for warmth. That boy thought he was some type of runway model, and I could not hold a straight face.
27. Mr. pushy
I do not know what man needs to hear this, but if I say no, it doesn’t mean that you can lean in and try to kiss me. It means, “No, I will punch you if you come any closer.”
28. the possible serial killer
So, this isn’t a date per say. But let’s say you are running your cute puppy in the neighborhood. Suddenly a guy stops you, asks about your puppy and then you continue running. But then, you find that he found you on a neighborhood app that your mom has where you are conveniently in the profile picture. Now you are wondering if he is a nice, chivalrous guy or if he is a possible serial killer.
29. the player
He’s cute. He’s polite. He’s charismatic. He probably has a row of ladies lined up outside of his door after your date because he is a playboy. It may be sad, but it’s true.
30. easy on the eyes, ugly on the mind
I don’t know how to put this other than what my mom told me growing up, which was, “You can be the prettiest girl, but an ugly attitude will make you the ugliest person in any room.” I think that goes for men, too.
31. game boy
Let’s just say that you start dating a gamer boy, and he wants to play with you. The sad part? You’re very competitive and the only game you can play well is Mario Kart, and he doesn’t count that as a true video game. I just cannot live with that pressure.
32. lord of the flies
So the book, if you have read it, is all about these young boys stuck on an island, and they basically go crazy because there is no supervision. Same premise: just no island, and you’re on a date. It won’t end well.
33. guitar boy
This is dedicated to the boy I talked to whose only personality trait was playing the guitar. Hope you got somewhere in life, buddy.
34. the guy you made an exception for
He isn’t the cutest, but he seems sweet. So, you give him a chance. You find out that he isn’t sweet. Now, you have wasted a date and a perfect opportunity to watch “New Girl” in pajamas because he kept you out all night.
35. “oh wait, you’re actually smart?”
Well, as a matter of fact, I am very smart. And a man who says this is very dumb, and he will not get a second date.
36. the DISAPPOINTMENT
The relatable story of how you think that Tinder, Bumble or blind date that your best friend set you up on will be amazing, but then you end up wishing you gave up on life and bought a cat instead. We have all been there.
37. misunderstanding of the century
I don’t know how this happens, but every girl has been on a date where there is a huge misunderstanding of what is going down. Usually, you find this out at the end of the date when the guy says, “So, your place or mine?” Now, that’s an awkward ride back home…
38. live, laugh, leave him waiting for you to come back from the bathroom
Sometimes a girl just can’t take anymore and escape is a must. The bathroom is always the cliche, but I prefer the back emergency exit. I just wouldn’t want to climb through a window.
39. marriage man
No, I do not want to talk about marriage on the first date. Or the second. Or the third. Better yet, let’s just not see each other again.
40. the rom-com boy
Every guy that likes romantic comedies wants to act like he’s in one and say all those romantic lines. The thing is: those lines mean nothing if there is no emotion behind them. That is why Matthew McConaughey makes me cry in “The Wedding Planner,” and this boy makes me want to barf in an Olive Garden parking lot.
41. Engineering majors
It’s not all engineers…but it’s most. These people truly believe that they are smarter than everyone else, so they like to brag about it on dates. It’s honestly a turn off. And I am an engineer myself, so this is an honest criticism.
42. “I live on my own…”
Why does this sentence always seem to be followed by some round of condescending remarks? I just don’t understand the allure of living on your own and not taking advantage of your mom’s cooking while you can!
43. the business major
This is for all the boys whose only personality trait is loving “The Wolf of Wall Street.”
44. the unsafe driver
I know we romanticize Taylor Swift and her songs about the boy driving with a one hand feel on the steering wheel, but we need to set some standards on our safety on dates, ladies. For starters, headlights must be on at night.
45. cryptocurrency man
We all have our insecurities, but what if this man’s insecurity is the fact that he got rich off cryptocurrency… and this leads to the statement that “No girl wants me for me. They just want me for my crypto.” At that point, get an Uber home.
46. fast food?
I’m not a picky date, honestly! But please do not take me to McDonald’s and tell me to order off the dollar menu. That’s just insulting.
47. “i just don’t have a car…”
I believe that it should be a law or something that any man asking a girl on a date should plan the transportation for said date, so the girl does not have to drive if she doesn’t want to. But, maybe that’s asking too much of the generation that came up with the Tide Pod challenge.
48. sneaky while you sleepy
Let me paint you a picture: you meet a guy, decide to go home with the guy, spend the night and then wake up the next morning to him looking through your phone. Scary? Extremely. Luckily, you have a wonderful friend that should really be an Emmy award winning actress that gets you out of it with a fake act about her mom almost dying.
49. “are those 36-c’s?”
I don’t know what is in these boys’ brains to think that asking about bra sizes and estimating them on the first date is remotely okay… but here we are. This is what has become of the once noble gentlemen.
50. he just doesn’t butter your biscuits
And sometimes the guy does everything right, but you just don’t feel anything and don’t want to pursue anything. That is okay, and that is the point of dating. The first one won’t always be the one you end up with. Some girls just have to go on 50 first dates before they find the right one.