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This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at SLU chapter.

Recently, I realized that I have a problem. Throughout September, I noticed that I was genuinely less content with my life. I was doing the same things that normally bring me joy — going on hot girl walks, trying fun fall recipes, attending formation events at the Catholic Studies Center on campus and keeping up with readings for my English classes — but I was finding less satisfaction in them. Extra activities kept me busy too, like getting to see John Green speak on campus, baking for Saint Louis University’s Campus Kitchen, playing fall games on the softball team and watching the opening weeks of college football — all things that would normally have me floating on cloud nine! I kept adding blue, yellow, pink and orange tabs to my Calendar app, thinking that more plans meant more memorable days. I kept hoping that my days would quit feeling so mundane because college is supposed to be fun, right? 

It took me until I was doing my “September in Review” journal session to recognize where I had gone wrong. While I was physically present at all of these events, I was internally restless, my mind racing in 100 different directions. Nothing lived up to the idealized versions I had created in my mind. I could never make reality live up to my own expectations. 

Instead of encouraging me to be my best, they were making me miserable. My days would feel incomplete if I did not wake up in the perfect mood and have the perfect routine. It may seem like overkill, but I knew what my entire next day would look like before I went to bed. If I could micromanage every detail, the day was bound to turn out better, the hamster wheel flying in my brain kept reminding me. 

I became so used to seeing content creators with their aesthetic fall coffees and matching sets that I could practically hear the birds chirping in the background of their Disney princess fairytale lives. I know that these standards are unrealistic and that editing is a very powerful thing, but I could not escape the tunnel vision of only seeing the imperfections in my own life. My own ambition was causing me to lose sight of the boundary between my true aspirations and empty aesthetics. 

Since then, I have gone on a mini digital detox: no social media, no YouTube and at least one silent walk every day. My own life is so much more interesting. I have dedicated the month of October to letting my work and leisure be full of mindfulness. I want to enjoy the beauty of the present and savor every moment! The sun is exactly where it is supposed to be in the sky; I finished my homework in the amount of time it was supposed to take and the ketchup stain on my shirt just gives it more character. I am content with my status as a human “being,” not a human “doing” or a human “will being.” 

In just a few days, I have noticed so many little graces and truly feel like my life is my own again. I will likely re-emerge on the internet sooner rather than later, and I will continue to scroll through aesthetic posts full of sweaters, books and city sunrises. However, they can never compare to the beauty of a life fully lived.

Though she was not raised a city girl, Allie is an avid explorer of St. Louis, where she is currently studying English and Spanish at Saint Louis University. On campus, she is on the softball team and is involved in the Honors program, Student-Athlete Advisory Committee, St. Edmund Campion Society, and, of course, Her Campus. She loves travel, music, Christmas-scented candles, gluten-free baked goods, romantic comedies, and yoga. You can almost always find her with a protein latte and book in hand.