Ever since I can remember, I have been a chronic people-pleaser. I often recall a traumatic moment in third grade when I gave my best friend my most prized, limited edition Littlest Pet Shop to avoid direct conflict. The thought of disappointing someone or making them upset in any way has always been my worst nightmare. It’s not something I necessarily pride myself on, and it is definitely the personality trait that has caused me the most issues throughout my life. It doesn’t matter if I have three tests, an important meeting and an essay all due on the same day…I will still, without a doubt, say yes if a friend asks me to grab coffee. I am quite the oversharer with my time and belongings, even when I don’t want to be! Oftentimes I think I am being a good, generous friend, when in actuality I am being ingenuine with myself and others.
So if I know what I want, why do I have such a hard time saying no?
I find it very easy to blame my incessant need to please others on the fact I’m an enneagram three or my star sign (Aries); however, the root of the issue is much, much deeper than that. In my opinion, this all goes back to the expectations placed on young, impressionable women to be agreeable and unproblematic.
Caitlyn Collins, a professor of sociology at Washington University in St. Louis who studies gender inequality, states, “In dating, in marriage, in friendships, in their hobbies, in the way they parent their kids, the way they operate in the world of paid work–this idea that what it means to be a good woman is to subsume your own needs for the sake of others around you is a hallmark of femininity in the United States.”
Similarly, in her novel “The Joy of Saying No”, Natalie Lue writes, “We don’t ultimately say ‘no,’ because we’re afraid…We’re afraid of conflict. We’re afraid of confrontation. We are afraid of being abandoned, rejected. We have to understand, as women we’ve been taught everybody else’s approval matters more than what we think of ourselves.”
Reading these two important quotes was simultaneously a slap in my face and music to my ears. There’s a certain newfound freedom in realizing that you aren’t required to share your favorite top with your best friend just because she wants to wear it!
This recent wake-up call has caused me to reevaluate why exactly I have such a hard time saying no to others and how I can implement the art of saying no into my own life. I have come to the conclusion that overextending myself does no good for me nor does it do anything good for those around me. Trust me, your coffee date will notice if you’re ignoring every word she’s saying about her boyfriend and instead thinking about that 10 page Shakespeare essay you have due in an hour, so do everyone a favor and just reschedule! If you really don’t want to do something for the sake of your own well-being, there is nothing wrong with saying no. If your friends give you a hard time for saying no, then I hate to tell you this, but you should probably get new friends…
This month, I have decided to challenge myself to “Don’t Do It December” in order to practice saying no to things that cause added stress in my life. I believe that by setting healthy boundaries with others, I will be able to reclaim the confidence and sense of control over my life that I somehow lost so long ago. Take it from the girl who lost her most prized Littlest Pet Shop at nine-years-old and still hasn’t forgotten: the confrontation is worth the outcome.