When I first arrived at Saint Louis University (SLU) at the start of my freshman year, I had one goal: to find my “perfect college friend group.” That first day, as I unpacked boxes and took my first trip to the dining hall, I was convinced that I was seconds away from meeting them—these wonderful people who I would do everything with for the next four years.
After all, I had reason to be so idealistic, since this is exactly what had happened to me in the past. The week before I started high school, I met three girls at cross-country practice who I instantly clicked with and who would quickly become my best friends. The following year, we became close with another girl who fit in with us perfectly, and the five of us became inseparable. We would have monthly movie nights, sleepovers after school dances and group Zoom calls that stretched on for hours during COVID. Whenever I needed advice, wanted to hang out or simply just wanted to vent about something, they were my go-to people.
So, going into college, I expected the exact same thing to happen again. But if I have learned anything the past couple of years, it is that college is nothing like I expected, and my friend situation has been no different. Three days into my freshman year, I found what I thought was my “perfect college friend group”—a group of girls who lived on my floor and were down to walk to Qdoba with me or play cards in my dorm room. I was thrilled.
For a couple of months, things were great. But amid the busyness of college, our lives started heading in different directions. Before I knew it, I had no one to walk to Qdoba with, and my dreams of a “perfect college friend group” were disintegrating.
For a little while afterward, my life at SLU was pretty lonely. But it did not take long for things to start looking up—I reconnected with a girl I had been close with at the beginning of the year, and we started eating our dinners together and having long conversations in the dining hall. One weekend, she invited me to go ice skating with some people she knew, and I got to meet another girl who I immediately connected with. There was also my new a cappella group and the friends who had instantly accepted me there. And there was a new girl in my sorority—we had a mutual friend and quickly found that we could talk for hours. Wherever I went, I met people who accepted me completely, and who I really loved spending time with.
The only problem was that I was still very far from having a “perfect college friend group.”. Most of my new friends did not know each other and had other friends I had never met. Although I would not admit it to anybody, this really bothered me.
I hated not having an official group chat to text whenever I wanted to make plans and not having my four go-to people to do everything with. I knew I had friends who cared for me, and yet, the lack of a cohesive, all-consuming friend group made me feel like I was doing college all wrong.
I am now in my senior year, and looking back, not finding a “perfect college friend group” may be one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I will admit that it can be difficult at times—making plans is often a balancing act, and sometimes I find myself in group settings with friends-of-friends or friends-of-friends-of-friends. Through trial and error, I have learned that there are ways to combat these issues. In settings like concerts, parties or on-campus events, I try to operate with a “the more than merrier mentality.” This does not mean that I always want to be in a massive group, but rather that I am open to my friends inviting an extra person—whether that is their roommate, lab partner or their shy, quiet friend who does not know many people. And in turn, I have been lucky to have friends that often invite me along.
I also work to be very intentional about my time with friends. At the beginning of every week, I think about what plans I have so far—what friends I will be seeing and in what capacity. From there, I fill any remaining social time by reaching out to friends I have not seen in a bit, or friends that I am due for some one-on-one time with. To be sure, it is much different than waiting for a “what’s happening tonight?” text message in the group chat every weekend. But in the long run, it has been so rewarding.
The lack of an official friend group has allowed me to develop deep, individual friendships that I likely would not have otherwise. I have friends that I am extremely comfortable spending one-on-one time with, something that I think is so important in maintaining a long-term friendship. It has also given me the space to develop my own unique identity in college, to pursue my various passions independently while still knowing I always have people in my corner, cheering me on. While my college experience has not been perfect, my lack of a big friend group has not limited me in any way.
I know that I am not defined by the number of people I see on a Friday night and that my worth does not change regardless of my friend group or lack thereof. As I approach post-grad, this is something that I will always carry with me, wherever my life takes me next.
As my time at SLU begins its final chapter, I am grateful to say that I have found lifelong friends here. They are loyal, honest, kind and a million other positive adjectives—in short, they are my go-to people. So, to anyone facing a similar experience, I urge you to go beyond your preconceived notions about what friendship should be and open yourself up to all the wonderful people who will walk into your life. If you are anything like me, you will find your go-to people—they just may not be in the same group chat.