As a 20-year-old living in the “prime” of my life, I enjoy doing the things that 20-year-olds seem to do. And as I’m living in Spain right now, those things include dancing at clubs, drinking, hanging with friends, meeting new people and traveling. Although these are all a great way to spend my weekend, I also feel a certain dread in the experience that I know is going to come.
As we are getting ready, I paint my face in makeup and put on clothes that are much too tight to be comfortable. I do this not because I enjoy the act or the look, but because that’s how I’m supposed to look if I want to get noticed. And when I’m going out to a club, I’m conditioned to believe that I don’t just want to be noticed by a man, but I need to be noticed by a man. If someone grabs my hand and pulls me towards them to dance, then I know that I must be doing something right. But if no one takes notice of me then it means I’m not pretty enough, my body isn’t curvy enough, or my outfit isn’t tight enough. Overall, I’m made to believe that I’m not good enough.
Not good enough because a stranger didn’t seem to take notice of me. I base my worth on the mere seconds in which a man chooses to glance at me. Why should I care whether a stranger would want to dance with me? How does that give any value to my life? It is more disappointing than anything that I believe I need the attention of others to have a good time. Thinking that I’m more important if people notice me. There is this overwhelming belief that this is where our value comes from, it comes from what people see.
This idea makes it even more difficult to be my authentic self, and to love my authentic self. I want people to like what they see, but I am so much more than just what is seen. And I want to value myself for who I am before I let that value come from other people. I want to value myself for my humor, my kindness and my intelligence. I want to believe that I’m good enough because I took notice of myself; I appreciated myself.