Another semester is about to come to a close, and I want to be as honest as possible right now: I haven’t felt myself in the longest time.
See, over the summer, I had all these expectations of how I thought this semester was going to go. I was going to get all As, join these new organizations, get more involved in the clubs I’m in, etc. I had this perfect image of who I wanted to be and what I wanted. I was ready for the semester to be my best one yet.
Life, it seemed, had other plans.
This semester has been my toughest yet—both academically and mentally. Every plan I had for this semester vanished. My mental health was at rock bottom, but I refused to ask for help. I can’t count all the nights I’ve stayed up on the verge of a panic attack or all the times I’ve had to lock myself in the bathroom stall because of my anxiety starting to take over. I really lost who I was this year. I lost control of my goals and what I wanted out of life. Truthfully, I haven’t felt this empty in a long time.
It wasn’t until recently when I decided that needed to change. Slowly, I started doing things to help me feel like me again. Putting on my favorite sweaters, going to the gym, getting coffee with friends…these things may seem trivial, but I needed to regain a sense of routine after the chaos my mental illness threw at me. And I can say, that now after a few months, I do feel better.
I want to be honest about where I am, because I really think it’s important to be vulnerable about mental health and how that affects me. It is a huge goal of mine to help break the stigma that surrounds mental health—I believe that starts with being honest. Not everything you see on social media is an accurate representation of how life really is. My anxiety is at an all time high. I feel trapped. I can’t breathe sometimes. It’s hard. It’s tough. It’s ugly.
And I know there’s a lot of you that feel this way too. I know it’s lonely. I know you don’t think anyone cares. But people do care. I know someone cares. I know that I care. But I want you to think of it this way. There’s a reason why we keep getting up each day. There’s a reason why we still continue to keep going. No matter the day, whether it is good or bad or somewhere in between, the sun still continues to rise. You still continue to rise. I don’t know what your reasons are or if you’re even aware of the reasons, but I’m right there with you. I know you can get through this.