At a school of 8,000 undergraduates, it is easy to feel like only a statistic. There is seemingly a number above each of our heads determining our worth. And sometimes, I feel like it is hard to separate myself from this statistic; it is hard to feel as though I have worth outside of it.
I am a good statistic, and I’m one that schools like to show off. I am a first generation Mexican woman coming from a low financial background. Yet in spite of this, I am a pre-medical student pursuing a higher education for myself, and for the most part I am excelling. These types of statistics are the ones that make schools feel better about themselves. It shows the diversity that they want to portray to prospective students. But it doesn’t just portray diversity, it portrays someone who is successful despite their background. It’s their token example that shows that everyone has the potential to achieve something here at SLU.
But this idea of being a statistic and this act of tokenism have thrown me into a total confusion as to who I really am and what I deserve. I’ve been fortunate enough to receive a conditional acceptance to the SLU Medical School through the Medical Scholars Program at SLU, but I have to question whether I’ve been accepted due to my merits or because of my racial and economic background on paper. Do I really deserve this place because they believe in me and they think I’m capable, or because I fill some equality quota? Am I only worthy because of the diversity which I provide? It’s a tough question to try to wrap one’s head around because I can’t separate myself from my background. The fact that I’m a Mexican woman is a large part of who I am, and a large reason for my pursuit of medical school. But is that the only reason why I could get in, while some of my white peers with more experience didn’t? When asked by other members in the program about my interview or about my shadowing hours, I responded honestly and said that I had very little due to circumstances I couldn’t control. This fact that I didn’t have many shadowing hours stuck with them and spread around the program. It felt as though my merits were being pointedly attacked, and that I really wasn’t qualified enough. My peers so quickly believed that I couldn’t have gotten in on my capabilities alone, and it was easy for them to make me feel that way too. I thought that I could’ve been a desirable candidate apart from my race and economic status, but I had to question if that was even true.
Even more confusion is mixed in when I realize that I would not be where I am in my academic career if not for this tokenism and this desire for diversity. I was born 10 feet behind the imaginary starting line of life, 10 feet behind my peers who were afforded opportunities that I wouldn’t have access to on my own. So I need these resources and opportunities just to be able to play the same game as everyone else at school. This is exactly where the dilemma and where my confusion in myself and my self worth lies. I don’t want to be a token and I don’t want to be seen as just “the girl who got in because of her race,” but I can’t succeed or pursue more if I’m just left on my own.
I don’t know yet how I can begin to find my own worth, but I do know that the narrative around diversity needs to change to prevent future kids from questioning themselves like I do. Equity and inclusion need to be promoted in the classroom of kids at a very early age. Every student needs to be provided the resources and opportunities that they individually need to reach the same success as their peers. Every student should be afforded the same learning potential so that they all feel they have the ability to prosper. Providing this equity at an early age makes sure that every student can get to a place on the starting line.
Once on that starting line, we need to promote an environment of inclusivity, so that each child feels as though they are welcomed there. They need to feel as though they deserve their place there. These make the game of life more fair. Once it’s a fair game, then we’ll no longer have to question how we got to where we are. We will no longer have to feel like just a statistic, but as deserving humans who are worthy of the opportunities we earn.