“It’s ok if you’re homesick when you get there. You’ll probably cry when your parents leave.”
This is what my cousin told me the day before I left for college, planting the idea that I would be a mess of snot and tears on move-in day.
Instead, I shared tight embraces with my parents, waved goodbye as their car pulled away, then walked up to my dorm. And that was it. No ugly cries, no hiding under my blankets so my roommate wouldn’t hear my sniffles, I didn’t even feel myself start to tear up.
I had never related to Ariana Grande more than at that moment. I really had “no tears left to cry.”
Now before you think I’m some sort of sociopath who has no emotions, I should let you know that I’m normally a very emotional person. I’m an avid movie crier; I was a sobbing mess when I left the theater after watching “Avengers: Endgame” and almost any Disney movie can open the flood gates. Quarantine and having my senior year cut short definitely didn’t help. I probably cried every other day for two months straight, and I don’t remember anything from the day that I was meant to graduate, except that I was surrounded by tissues and tear-stained blankets by the end of it.
Needless to say, I was anticipating the worst when it came time for move-in.
So, why haven’t I cried yet? Honestly, I don’t know. I’m just as surprised as you are.
It’s not like I have a bad relationship with my parents. We are pretty close and I do miss them a lot. There have been many times where I’ve felt homesick, and I miss all of my family and friends, but I’ve never had the urge to cry over it. Suddenly, I felt self conscious about this fact. My friends were sending me tearful Snapchat videos of themselves after their parents left. My extended family was asking me if I cried while saying goodbye to my parents. Even my Oriflamme leader told us how she cried for two weeks after she got to campus.
Was there something wrong with me for not being emotional during this huge transition in my life? Was I the only person that didn’t cry when they started their freshman year of college?
No. There isn’t anything wrong with me for not crying. Just because I wasn’t outwardly expressing my emotions doesn’t mean that I wasn’t fully experiencing them. And just because I haven’t cried doesn’t mean that I’m heartless. And you’re not heartless either. Everyone experiences and processes situations differently, and that’s okay. I’m not a freak because I didn’t cry when my parents left and neither are you.
Whether you were a stone cold rock or a blubbering mess the first couple of days on campus, it’s completely valid and okay to process your emotions in your own way. So while I’m still awaiting the day I completely lose it and become a tearful mess, I know that either way I’m going to be alright.