My hair is probably my most distinctive feature. I will often have people say out of the blue, “Wow, your hair is so long!” Especially when people haven’t seen me in a long time. I notice its length most when I see videos of me moving about. Whether I’m playing volleyball, dancing or just getting it out of my way by tossing it aside, it always surprises me how much movement it has and the amount of space it takes up. I am often reminded of the Muppets character Janice, the bass player of the band Electric Mayhem, who has long blonde hair. Her hair flows in a way that consumes her whole body. My dad compares me to the less flattering character, Cousin It of the Addams Family because it is so long. But my hair hasn’t always been this way.
When I was in eighth grade I cut my long hair into a long bob. I made sure to cut it after eighth grade photos but before graduation. I wanted my pictures to resemble the girl with long hair that I had always been in grade school, but for graduation, I wanted a dramatic change. I thought I was making a big change to who I was by changing my hair: cutting off excess baggage, old personality traits and harm from my past. But, after I cut it, that was all it amounted to: shorter hair.
It is strange how much weight I put into my hair (as if it isn’t heavy enough on its own). I thought that after I cut it I would be a different person. I thought that such a drastic change had to make a difference. But without any real work on myself, nothing really changed. Surprise. Surprise. I think it is funny how frequently this happens; I’ve seen this phenomenon repeatedly on TikTok, with others dying or cutting their hair because their mental health is struggling. I was surprised at how universal this experience is, and I thought there must be some explanation.
So, as always, I turned to media representation of significant changes in appearances, more commonly known as “the makeover.” The classic montage in any early 2000s high school movie, rom-com and really any “ugly-girl-becomes-pretty” movie. Of course, it’s ridiculous to think that the likes of Anne Hathaway, Lindsay Lohan, Sandra Bullock and Hillary Duff could be ugly to start with, but I digress. There was nothing grander in these movies than the shots of clothes being tried on, puffs of powdered makeup being applied, nails being glossily coated and hair being perfectly preened, to finally reveal a beautiful girl making some kind of grand entrance. We can all picture that grand staircase scene. I dreamed of making that entrance. Perhaps it was the likes of these montages that makes people who grew up watching these movies also equate a grand transformation with a shift in a person. After these transformations, these women became noticed, the talk of the high school, the bell of the ball. Of course, it’s likely that people who now make these drastic hair changes aren’t trying to be popular, but, maybe we’re just reaching for that happier feeling that the women in these movies seemed to reach post-makeover. A certain feeling of acceptance or inner beauty is reflected outward.
Certainly something can be said for changing your style, hair or other things that you use to present yourself to the world to match your own personality. Through great emotional changes, life changes or even just by growing up, we do change, and the things that used to fit us perfectly just don’t anymore. Believe me, I had the Justice sequined top and the turquoise-painted room too. But just as I’ve outgrown those clothes and repainted, there are other changes that must happen at the same time internally. Simply going through that makeover cannot change a person.
I think about this a lot when I think about the transition to college. My professor noted this in class one day. He said, “Freshmen think that coming to college will change them, and then are surprised when they find themselves with the same kinds of friends, doing the same activities. It’s not as if you brought a different person to college with you, you are still the same you.” Sometimes there is a tendency to think that if only things around us change we will be able to change ourselves. And often, we are disappointed when things around us change and we do not.
When I cut my hair in eighth-grade things did not get better and I ended up hating my haircut. I looked childish with short hair, and now I associate that look with all the cringy things that all high school freshmen do. I look back at that hairstyle and remember all of the hard things I wasn’t working through, which I paid for later. Now I love my hair, despite its high maintenance qualities. Sure, it can be a hassle, but it provides me with a safety blanket and feels fully, uniquely me.
I’d tell the younger me that if cutting most of my hair off was really what I wanted, if I really wanted to see a new look, then I should go for it. But I shouldn’t change how I look just to try and change how I feel. Because those early 2000s movies lied to me, nine times out of ten it takes much more than just a cute dress, some shiny lip gloss and a new hairdo to really change someone.