Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the past. More specifically, on my past self. I find myself thinking about what I could tell Ada at 18 or even 10 years old. Perhaps it’s because my little sister is about to graduate from high school and leave our small little world behind, but I have found myself thinking about life at her age and all the things I wish I had known at the time.
If I could, I would go back in time and tell my younger self so many things. It is easy to look back with regret at all the things I didn’t know. But, truthfully, there is no way I could have known all of these things without living life a little bit on the way. Here is what I wish I had known at 18 and what I hope to remember as life goes on.
- No One Actually Notices You
For some people, knowing this is so relieving and for others frightening. For me, it’s a little bit of both. First, no one notices the embarrassing things you do. Can you remember the last time you were sitting in the park and watched a runner trip up the stairs? I didn’t think so. I can’t remember the last time I was walking somewhere and I saw a stranger trip or spit out their food. Nobody notices the embarrassing things that you do, I promise. I used to spend so much time thinking about how to go unnoticed, like how to quiet down my laugh or silence my sneezes. I wasted so much energy this way.
Of course, people not noticing you can come to your detriment. You can’t sit in the back of your general bio lecture hall and expect your professor to write you a letter of recommendation based solely on a stellar grade. There are times when you need to be noticed, and you can’t expect people to just realize you are special and unique. You are, but sometimes you have to showcase it.
Ultimately, people notice the good things about you. The way you make them feel. Not that you spilled coffee down your white shirt or spit when you were talking to them. They remember things like your smile and your confidence in them. They remember the good things about you.
- On Imposter Syndrome
I’m not sure why I thought I would never experience this, but it is so real. In high school, I was so sure of myself and my abilities and I never considered the possibility that I could ever doubt myself. Not only doubt myself, but doubt myself based on my intelligence, on my youth or on my gender. Imposter syndrome is real, and it can be damaging. However, what I’ve slowly began to realize is this: imposter syndrome exists because the world is designed to benefit straight, white, christian, cis-gendered, able-bodied men, and almost every public place is created for people with that identity.
This seems obvious, but if you think about the fact that a woman, like myself, exists in places that are not designed for me, then, of course, it makes sense that I would experience imposter syndrome. If a society built for a man accepts you, a woman, to its university or hires you for a job, you should not doubt yourself there. You are more than likely overqualified for that job and too good for that university. If you exist in a place that was not built for you, it is easy to feel like you don’t belong, but that feeling is designed to keep you down when really you should keep climbing.
- Enter College Undeclared
This is my number one regret from starting college. As a senior in high school I thought I knew everything about myself. I thought that I would be a Biochemistry major because I loved my biology and chemistry classes in high school. So, I did what I thought was logical and chose Biochemistry and Pre-Med, because what else do you do with a Biochemistry degree besides go to medical school?
Now, as an English major with a minor in Global and Local Social Justice, I see myself differently. College may seem like a place to get an education so that you can get a job and have a real adult life, and it sort of is, but college is most importantly a time to learn about yourself. When you’re drowning in college and scholarship applications that demand a complete answer from you about your future, it is easy to lose sight of this.
Starting college, I was so busy trying to figure out the whole entire path of my life that I forgot to listen to who I was. My truth is that I am someone who survives on words. There is no path for me that doesn’t start with a bachelor’s degree in English. It was so difficult for me to accept that and change majors. I wish more than anything that I had given myself space to grow, and I believe that entering college undeclared would have been the best way to do that.
Entering college as an undeclared major gives you the chance to discover yourself. Your college experience is designed to help you figure out who you are, who you want to be and what you want to do. So, let it. Explore everything because there are very few times in your life where you truly have the chance to choose a completely new future as easily as your undergrad.
- Permanent Decisions
Don’t make so many permanent decisions at a time when your life begs for impermanence. College can be a time when you can set yourself on a path where you don’t look up. You keep your eyes on your feet, you get a degree, you get an internship, a job, a family, a house, and by the time you look up you are 33 and tied down to a life you can’t pinpoint when you signed up for. So, look up. Don’t make so many permanent decisions. Explore everything just a little bit. Allow yourself to take risks and try to be someone you’ve always dreamed of being.
At the same time, don’t make permanent mistakes. Yes, this is a time when you are capable of so many adventures, but it is also a time that sets the tone for basically the majority of your life, your adulthood. So tread carefully, but be adventurous.
- Kindness Is Everything
Remember earlier how I said people will remember how you make them feel before anything else? Well, I don’t know about you but I’d rather be remembered for bringing someone joy. I want to be remembered as a smile on a cold day. So, be kind. Even on the days when people are treading over my last nerve. Even on the Internet and especially in my writing. Kindness. Is. Everything.
- The World Might End Tomorrow
Well, it might. My intro to philosophy professor started our very first class of the semester with this quote: “This class, like most classes, is useless because the world will end tomorrow.” And, I don’t think he’s wrong. It’s easy to feel, especially in college, that everything is so important. That you have to pass an exam and finish your paper before all else. Of course, it is important to do those things, but at the same time, if you blow off your friends continuously or miss a little cousin’s soccer game because you’re cramming for a test, I think you might be doing life wrong. Some things are worth more than a good grade. If the world ends tomorrow, would you rather have spent today studying or watching the sunset with your friends? That’s what I thought. Go watch the sunset.
- Straight People Do Not Exist
Yes, I mean this literally, but I also mean it more generally. First, there is evidence to suggest that everyone’s sexuality is fluid and that gender is a spectrum. Kiss who you want to kiss and then mind your own business. Deal with it.
At the same time, don’t plant your feet in the ground in a misguided certainty that you are and will always be one thing. Experiment. As Sirius Black once said, “The world is not split into good people and Death Eaters.” The world is not split into straight and gay, male and female, good and bad, young and old, us and them or good people and Death Eaters. Let go of categories, boxes and anything else that tries to define you, and just be you.
This silly list of mine is yours now, too. I hope you remember these things because I think they are important lessons in learning to live life a little more freely. If I could tell myself one more thing as a senior in high school or as a freshman in college, I would say this: be kind, be bold, don’t forget this is your big beautiful life and be brave.