Last week, I heard the word “tension” like clockwork. Stroke is built by tension. Anxiety is built by tension. People become feminists because of tension. Where is tension held and stored in the body? Are you tense? I sense tension in this relationship, are you okay?
The way that I think about tension is different than the way that I think about, say, pressure. Where pressure eases off after a while in some kind of release, I feel tension as a long haul burden of ebb and flow. Tension lingers and strains even when we aren’t thinking about it or its cause.
We have been holding tension. The deep, uncertain kind of thing that is constantly gnawing at our dreams and decisions. The kind of sickness that hurts friendships and relationships with family and the self. We all have tensions, and we all have demons, and we’re all working way too hard. Of course, the only way we are told to respond to all of this build-up is with self-care.
The way that we have been taught to conceptualize “self-care” is largely racist, cis-normative and classist. Self-care was designed for white cis-women with lots of time. People can’t take bubble baths if they don’t have a bathtub or access to hot running water. Watching Netflix for hours on end is only an option if people enjoy the programming that Netflix puts out and if people have the privilege of time to do so. If a streaming platform doesn’t have content that represents your gender, race, culture, religion, or ability to the highest extent, of course supporting the platform as a form of self-care is really just self-destructive. All of these barriers manifest in people’s lives based on identity.
Self-care looks different for everybody, yes. But there’s a different discussion to be had about why we are stressed and tense and anxious all the time. Why are we always overworked? Why are we drained at the end of every day? What systems are in place that ensure that we are always working, always tired, and always tense? These tensions are hurting our bodies and our relationships. We did not choose to be this way and to feel this way.
Maybe we can begin a discussion on why tension is there, and how systems like the schools we attend and the workplaces we inhabit fail to not only ensure tension doesn’t worsen, but to facilitate a workload and a work environment in which tension doesn’t even occur. Of course, we can’t bottle the root of tension down to one’s workspace, but that doesn’t mean that changing the ways in which workspaces shouldn’t be held accountable for being more gentle on us.
Self-care isn’t an overnight thing, and it won’t solve the root of stress. Finding balance and absolving tension should not be labeled as a burden or an activity to check-off. Balance isn’t a one-off thing. Nobody carries the same tension and nobody carries their tension the same way.
Sometimes, absolving tension looks like being visibly angry at someone. Sometimes it looks like crying. Sometimes, it looks like writing. Sometimes it looks like making a mistake and going deeper into tension. But it won’t go away unless it’s addressed and you are cared for. This all changes each month and with each life situation we are in.