Beauty (noun)
1. A combination of qualities, such as shape, colour, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.
2. a beautiful woman
This is how the Oxford Living Dictionary defines beauty. A beautiful woman, or girl, according to this definition, is one whose outward appearance is pleasing to the senses. A girl is beautiful in the same way a flower is beautiful- it’s nice to look at. This definition puts beauty in the eye of the beholder, which leads to objectification. A person is only beautiful if someone else looks at them and likes what they see.
We as feminists are constantly calling for an end to the objectification of women. We want to be seen as intelligent, strong, hardworking, funny, powerful, valuable, equal members of society, not pretty faces, domestic people-pleasers, or sexual objects. My question, then, to myself and to others, is this: If we want to be valued for more than our looks, and we’re tired of being such people-pleasers, why are we still so obsessed with insisting to girls that they are “beautiful”?
Before the objections begin, let me address the other definition of beauty:
Beauty (noun) – the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).
This definition of beauty is a worthy compliment. To tell someone that they are beautiful in this sense is to tell them that your mind is satisfied when you are with them, that you find them meaningful, or that you see the manifestation of Godly design, spiritual balance, or goodness within them. We describe love, poetry, childbirth, or religion as beautiful in this way. But I am convinced that this is not what we mean when we call women beautiful. If this is what we meant, then we would just as commonly be calling men beautiful.
I think this idea that “we’re all beautiful no matter what anyone says” comes from a collective insecurity among women that we must be attractive in order to be of value. This idea has certainly been permeated throughout culture over the years, but it’s time to let it go. As Erin McKean says, “Prettiness is not the rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.
When I was thirteen, I was not beautiful. My face was a red, pimply mess. My teeth were crooked. My hair was oily and out of control. I was disproportionately tall and skinny, and I wore baggy jeans and tacky glittery t-shirts. I most certainly did not possess a “combination of qualities that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight”.
Statements like this do not actually degrade me at all and should not be taken as self-deprecatory or fishing-for-compliments. I am merely saying that objectively, I was not pretty, and that’s okay because a girl’s worth is not in the way she looks. I knew I wasn’t “hot”, so I expressed myself creatively, posting pictures of my art on Facebook instead of posting duck-faced selfies. I learned how to do elaborate, tight braids instead of learning to curl my hair softly to perfectly frame my face. I wore baggy clothes in cute color combinations, shirts that I decorated myself with puff paint and patches and glitter instead of attempting to flatter my figure with tight clothing. I took pride in my creativity, my kindness, my musical ability, my style, and my mind- not my beauty.
However, when people made comments about my appearance anyway, I felt that my worth was in my looks. When my grandmother bought me bottle after bottle of medicinal concealer and told me that it would cover and dry my acne, I felt that my worth must be in my looks. When my mom posted pictures of me and my brother on Facebook and people commented “Beautiful girl!” instead of commenting on whatever I had accomplished in the photo, I felt that my worth must be in my looks. When, at church, our teachers talked to us constantly about our modesty and our bodies and their abilities to tempt, I felt that my worth was in my looks.
When a boy calls himself ugly or makes fun of himself about being fat, people laugh and move on. When a girl makes fun of herself for being fat or too thin or too pale, etc, people immediately rush to “no you’re not, you’re beautiful! Don’t let anyone tell you-you’re not beautiful!”
(Wait, did she actually say that she wasn’t beautiful just because she’s big or bony or has pale skin? No. Did your comment imply that she did? Yep. Hmmmm….. Anyway, I digress..)
The difference? When a guy comments about his looks, we hear just what he commented- I have a big nose. I have a beer belly. I’m not the most good-looking guy out there. We don’t contradict him. We’re okay with guys believing that they’re not handsome because handsome doesn’t define a man’s worth to society. But when a girl comments about her looks, instead of hearing her actual comment- I’m definitely no size two, I have bushy eyebrows, I have bad skin, we hear I’m a worthless human being and a failure as a female. We think that she is fundamentally criticizing her right to exist and be loved because we have this horrible idea that beautiful equals valuable.
Can’t we just accept that it’s okay to not be pretty? Can’t we compliment girls because they are funny, or smart, or creative, or kind, or hardworking, or insightful, or talented, or brave? These are traits that differentiate people from one another. These are traits of value. Why do you admire your mother? Most likely because she is loving or strong or caring or funny or smart. Probably not because she is pretty. Why do you admire your father? Probably for similar reasons that you admire your mother- that is, personality and actions rather than looks. So if a girl doesn’t think she’s conventionally attractive, can’t we give her the freedom and empowerment to accept it, move on, and find her worth instead in more meaningful aspects of herself beside her appearance? That’s what we do for guys!
In reality, we are all pretty average looking. We are all attractive in some ways, and not in others. We can all be made prettier with makeup, and we all look worse when we haven’t slept well. Some of us have exceptionally large eyes or glossy hair or symmetrical figures, but most of us are pretty average. It’s a given- We all have some nice features that somebody, at some point, will probably find attractive. And isn’t this very statement the definition of physical beauty? If so, then beauty is obvious, and the fact that we all possess it in some capacity doesn’t need to be stated over and over again as if it’s a complicated thing to understand. Let’s stop stating the obvious, let’s stop letting something so superficial define our worth, and let’s start complimenting girls for something other than the way they look.