I am not going to say that my first relationship was a perfect relationship because it wasn’t. But it also wasn’t the worst relationship. There are things I wish I did differently, but there are times when I look back and know that it was everything I needed for myself at the time. It wasn’t perfect, but it was essential in understanding who I am and who I want to become. There were a lot of nights crying, days I didn’t feel like myself and days I questioned what I was doing. There were others when I felt more alive than I’d ever been, at home in places I’d never been, and felt emotions deeper than I could have ever thought. Everything happens for a reason, and no relationships are created without meaning. I am no expert in relationships, and these lessons are speaking to my personal experience. Here are 12 things my first relationship taught me.
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Understand your boundaries
This one took me a while to get. This is everything; it’s not just physical boundaries but your emotional boundaries too. While it may take some time, knowing what is okay with you allows you to stop anyone from crossing any lines. It is more than valuable to make it clear that you will not be pressured into anything or do anything that goes against who you are and what you stand for.
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Respect yourself
This one relates to understanding your boundaries and respecting who you are, which lets other people know that it isn’t okay for them to disrespect you. The way you carry yourself and the decisions you make determine how people will treat you. If you know who you are and respect yourself, whatever that means to you, it means that you know what you are looking for, and you will not let people walk all over you. Make decisions, and make people respect them, whether or not they agree with them.
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Feel everything – fear nothing
While feeling everything may hurt a hell of a lot more than if you were to put walls up, it’s worth it. Love as passionately as you can, and don’t hold anything back. Do not let the fear of failure or heartbreak stop you from creating real relationships with people. While leaving may hurt, being engulfed in love is one of life’s greatest and deepest pleasures. Don’t screw yourself over by putting up walls or loving halfway.
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Communication really is key
No one is a mind reader, you have to understand what is bothering you and communicate those issues. Being petty or passive doesn’t help anyone, and it only creates problems. Talking about them may be awkward, but trust me, expressing how you feel makes everything so much better. It makes it so much easier to solve the issue at hand rather than trying to solve problems that aren’t really what’s at the heart of what’s been bothering you. Talk about your problems, and respect your own feelings and others’, while you do it.
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No one needs to know everything about you
No matter how much you love your friends, family or co-workers, no one needs to know everything about you or your relationship. Having a sense of privacy lets you make decisions on your own, instead of having biased opinions on what should happen. Talk about what makes you happy, what makes you sad, but don’t tell everyone, everything. Some things deserve to stay sacred, which makes them all the more special.
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Don’t lie to yourself
Lying to yourself about what you are feeling, or what you aren’t feeling creates so many problems. Understand what makes you mad – and know that you are feeling it. All feelings are valid, and while it takes a little bit of tough love, being honest with yourself is one of the most critical things I could have ever learned. It taught me more about myself, and the expectations I created for myself and others.
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Prioritize
Love has a habit of pulling people in and it is a feeling sometimes so powerful that we forget that the world keeps spinning – whether we recognize it is happening or not. Remember how important it is to take care of yourself, check in on your friends, make sure that you are doing things for yourself. I found myself losing friends, losing sight of my goals, and passing on things I would typically have loved, because I got caught up in being in a relationship. Remember to find a balance between being in love and being present in your own life. Not all things deserve to be on the back burner.
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Love yourself
This is much easier said than done – but it is so vital. I spent so much time looking for validation to fill my insecurities – and I realized I was being hostile and causing problems, all because I simply was not giving myself enough love. I found myself hating others because I felt threatened, and starting fights because I was feeling insecure. Be your own #1 fan. Know that there is no one else like you – and that the amount of love you give yourself is vital for who you become and the people you meet.
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You are the shit
You are the shit. Read it again. Read it over and over again until you don’t feel any doubt about it. This took me so long to realize – but once I finally realized I am the only me, and understood that there is never going to be another me, I decided that I am one of a kind – truly the shit. I will never let anyone tell me, or treat me as if am not.
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Know who you are, and embrace it
Finding who I am took a while. When in a relationship, I found myself trying to please everyone around me – and losing myself in the process. I found myself doing things I wouldn’t do, saying things I don’t agree with, and contradicting who I was, all to please other people. Don’t do this. Know who you are, and embrace it. Show every passion, tell people you care, tell people what is and isn’t okay for you. Don’t let anyone try to tell who you are or who you aren’t. Own yourself, and be damn proud of everything you are.
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Relationships are important, but they’re not always the answer
I spent so much time thinking that I needed to be in a relationship, that any love I felt that wasn’t romantic, was invalid or didn’t matter as much. I was surrounded by people who would say their relationship is what made them happy, and that their partner was their other half. And while this can be true, I realized that I am not half of anything, but I am completely whole and do not need someone else to complete myself.
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Romantic relationships are bomb, but platonic ones are just as important
Romantic love wears a special crown and it holds a special place in everyone’s heart. I was always told that romantic love is the best type of love, and that while I may love other things, romantic love is superior. I was always told that I couldn’t be in love, and not be in a romantic relationship. But there are so many other types of love, and there isn’t a type that matters more than any other. Once I realized this, I started falling in love with everything and found my relationships, both romantic and not, doing so much better. I started falling in love with the way my friends always knew how to make me feel better, in love with the smile that we got when someone did something small, falling in love with the way we loved each other. I realized that platonic love is just as important as romantic love – and even if I don’t love them romantically, these connections are just as important, and it is important that I treated them this way.