Her Campus Logo Her Campus Logo
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at SMCVT chapter.

Self-love. These two words are an enigma I have been trying to figure out ever since I was diagnosed with depression a little more than a decade ago. Self-care is something that is different for everyone. For some it could be a cupcake after dinner, watching The Bachelor every Monday, or even choosing to miss that 8 AM to catch a few extra hours of shut eye. Basically, if it is said to “feed the soul,” you can guarantee that I have tried it.  

It took me a long time to figure out what self-care means to me. Because I was diagnosed at such a young age, I feel like there are so many ways to share my experience. Throughout the years I have found things that work and things that don’t. There was even a point in time where I convinced myself that my unhealthy habits could be considered “self-care”.  Being young, naïve and rebellious, I found myself in questionable situations (sorry mom) on multiple occasions. Looking back on it, I feel like I found myself in these problematic situations because of the people I surrounded myself with. I was always added on, and I never really had my own identity. Throughout the years I have always been labeled in a way that always connects me to someone; in my early school years I was known as “Anna Hardin’s little sister,” in middle and parts of high school I was known as “Ben’s girlfriend,” and most recently “Rebecca’s best friend.” 

It didn’t really bother me when the first thing anyone I met said “oh, you’re Anna Hardin’s little sister” and I was far too much of a brainless baboon to realize my relationship was toxic when guys in my classes would say “she’s Ben’s girlfriend.” However, it did bother me when I got older and realized my peers would introduce me as “Laura, Rebecca’s best friend.” It did not take long for me to realize that I left the arms of a toxic boyfriend and ran right into the arms of a toxic friend.  

The summer before my junior year of high school, I went on a bike trip through Nova Scotia. During this time away from Rebecca, I realized how toxic the relationship was; I realized that we didn’t really have the same morals, goals, and some of her “self-care habits” were unhealthy. When school started up again our friendship didn’t last long. A week before Christmas break, she dropped the few words that made me question everything: “you have become an awful person and I don’t know who you are anymore.” That was the nicer version of what she said. Now, I am not saying this was entirely her fault –I know it takes two to tango –but what she said was harsh. After my bike trip I thought I had finally found my core beliefs, who I was, but here is the person I trusted the most tearing all that confidence down.  

I’m not going to lie… that was the start of some unfortunate events. I got back into unhealthy habits and felt the loneliest I had ever felt before. I thought so lowly of myself that I even ran back into the arms of a verbally abusive ex-boyfriend. I really thought I had a good grasp of who I was, but she made me question my entire belief system. I let her make me believe that I was an awful person.  

 Once I hit what I felt like was my rock bottom, I made the decision to start from scratch. I really thought about every aspect of my life: the people that were in it, my core beliefs, and my impact on the world around me. I slowly started cutting toxic people out of my life, I really thought about who I was and where I wanted to go, and I found the things that were important to me and held on tight to them.  

In the end, I did not really start to regain my confidence until the spring semester of my freshman year of college. However, through this experience I learned how to just be “Laura Hardin,” not Anna’s little sister, Ben’s girlfriend or Rebecca’s best friend. Sometimes I still feel Rebecca’s words and I question if I really am good enough or if I am an awful person. I learned that at the end of the day, you are the one that has to live with yourself. I now know that I am not perfect, but I can say that I confidently know who I am. I am me. 

 

*Names have been changed to respect the people mentioned in this article 

 

aspiring world traveler, adventure seeker and media studies major at Saint Michael's College.
Jewelry maker and business owner at Homegrown Jewelry VT. Business Administration Major with a concentration in Entrepreneurship and an Economics Minor.