Who Am I Now?

Health is something we often take advantage of until we lose it. A year ago this Halloween, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, Ulcerative Colitis. I was somebody who was always considered “the picture of health” by doctors, family, coaches, and friends until I started flaring that August and did not know what was wrong. I was completely unaware that I had inherited this autoimmune disease, which was now causing my immune system to attack healthy cells. When you can no longer do the things you used to do and constantly feel sick, sometimes without the energy to get out of bed, you lose your sight of self. My diagnosis and the onset of my symptoms sent me through a complete loss of self. 

In this situation, there were two things that I could have done. I could have spiraled into depression and completely given up on everything. Or I could re-learn myself and use this as an opportunity to grow. A year later, healthy and relatively without flares, I am so grateful that I chose to grow. Instead of drawing into myself, since last November, I have made a conscious decision to make the most of each moment of life because nothing is certain.

There are many things I have learned since getting sick that I hope can help others who are in my situation or just those who are struggling with depression and anxiety or a general loss of self. 

1. It is okay not to be okay: When you recognize that you truly are not okay it is easier to identify what is wrong and address it. 

2. You do not always have to say yes: Before my year of working on myself after I was diagnosed, I lived for other people. I was the “put together” friend to a fault. When I was not okay, I pushed it aside and focused on everyone else instead of getting the help I needed. Doing what is best for you is not selfish; it can be very necessary. 

3. Your health is important: Nothing is worse than struggling with health concerns, whether they are mental or physical. The more we stay aware of how we are feeling and address when there is a problem, the easier it is to get healthy again. 

4. You do not have to hide how you are feeling: If I had stopped hiding how I was doing last fall while I was in season playing field hockey, I could have gotten help and advice so I did not push myself too hard at practice or so I would not have been sick and in pain every bus ride home from away games. This goes for mental health as well. 

5. You are not a burden: I always used to feel like a burden, especially to my roommate and best friend Annie. But her frustrations were not at me for being sick; she was not held back because of me. Her frustrations were because she wished that I would get better and be okay. It is important to realize those who care about you just want the best for you and they appreciate when you open up to them.

6. Being frustrated is normal:  I cannot tell you how many times I cried just wishing I could feel better, or feeling like I was annoying to everyone around me. You will have your downs, but that is what makes the ups so much better. 

7. Each person’s situation is unique: What works for me does not necessarily work for everyone else. And it is important to learn what you specifically can and cannot tolerate in terms of food, stress levels, alcohol consumption, medicine, etc. 

8. Overthinking is the enemy of progress: It is not fair to anybody, especially yourself to measure yourself by what you used to be able to do when you get sick. Getting back to where you used to be will take time and diligence, but it will happen. Psychoanalyzing every situation will drive you crazy and get you nowhere. I learned this one the hard way. 

9. Life is a gift: Tackle each day with purpose. You never know when things will change or what will happen. I genuinely have been so much happier doing this. 

I chose to write this article because it is MORE Week, in hopes that somebody could benefit by what I have experienced. Or maybe you have family or friends dealing with the life-long road that is a chronic illness and this can help you understand them better.