An Open Letter to My Friends Who Don’t Understand Anxiety:
First and foremost, thank you for trying. I know that I’m not easy to understand, and sometimes it can be a little overwhelming. Maybe you know that I suffer from this mental illness, maybe you don’t. Maybe you have some inclination, or maybe you suffer from it yourself. Whatever the circumstance, you opened this article, so you’re making an effort. Ultimately, that is all I will ever ask of you.
It’s okay that you don’t understand anxiety. I’ll be honest, sometimes I don’t either. Anxiety is complicated and it appears in a multitude of ways. I suppose the first thing you should probably know is just that; anxiety is not black and white. Anxiety rears it’s ugly head in more than just one way. It is not always an obvious panic attack, though sometimes it can be, and in those moments there is little you can do for me. Sometimes it’s in the way I speak too loudly, or if I’m staring off in the distance. Other times it’s when I tense up for no reason, or become strangely quiet. I might seem lost in my own mind, consumed in my own thoughts, and I probably am. Anxiety isn’t always obvious.
I also want you to know that this is more than just me being stressed. Anxiety by itself is a normal emotion, and sometimes it can be useful. It is the body’s natural reaction to stress, and it can keep you alert or awake. I would give anything for the way I feel to be normal. The emotion of anxiety is different from an anxiety disorder, and it’s important to me that you understand this. I am not making an excuse, I am not overreacting, and I’m not exaggerating for attention. What I deal with is credible, it is difficult, and your support is paramount to my success.
I want you to know that when I say I’m sorry, I feel as though I have done something that warrants an apology. Part of my anxiety is that I am constantly worried that I am a burden, that you secretly don’t want to be around me, or that I am annoying. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with how guilty I feel. I question little moments that might seem insignificant to you, but they haunt me and can be crushing at times. Please try not to scold me for apologizing, all that does is make me feel like I have to apologize for apologizing. Instead, tell me that you care about me and that you’re glad I’m here. That will make me feel over the moon.
Chances are, I will do everything I can to not put you in a situation where you are confronted with my illness. As we discussed though, anxiety is unpredictable and sometimes there’s nothing I can do to stop it. If we are ever in that situation, here are a few “dos” and “don’ts” that might help our communication. Do: tell me you’re here for me, express your support, and tell me that our friendship is important to you and you like having me around. Don’t: stare at me, tell me I need to change my mind set, remind me that people have it worse, or point it out in a public place. Anxiety is like stress on steroids, to the point of making me want to burst into tears or hide from the world, so anything you think might be embarrassing or stressful you can place under the “don’t” list. As I said before, I know this is tough, and you won’t always say or do the right thing. You are not a therapist, so please don’t feel the need to step into those shoes. It’s okay, I will care for you no matter what, because you’re making an effort to care for me despite the anxiety, too.
Most importantly, if you walk away from this only knowing only one thing, here it is: the door is open. If you want to know how to talk with me or how to communicate effectively, don’t be afraid to ask. It means the world to me that you want to try and you want to strengthen our relationship. We are in each other’s lives for a reason, and your willingness to make an effort for me is one of them.
Sincerely,
Your friend who’s still learning how to live with her anxiety.