Many of us like to talk about self love and how we “should focus on ourselves” and take some “me time,” especially after a break up or similar event that
Many of us like to talk about self love and how we “should focus on ourselves” and take some “me time,” especially after a break up or similar event that causes us to drop in self esteem. Everyone says that these are the solutions, but who actually uses these empty quotes to make themselves feel better? Really no one. We usually sink into our hole of despair and self doubt. We feel sad and insecure and wonder what’s wrong with us. I have made the active and difficult choice to actually execute the steps of focusing on myself in order to recover from a difficult time. These are the choices I have made and have been very successful for me thus far.
First off, what does “self love” actually mean? Well it’s a few things. It obviously means putting yourself first. Self love is focusing only on what you’re doing, thinking and feeling. Not your distant friends, not your siblings and not your bestest friend. It means not worrying about what they’re doing, thinking and feeling. This is not selfish. Self love cannot be selfish, it is inherently unselfish because without catering to your well-being, you are in no condition to take care of anyone else.
Self love is only adding goodness to ourselves, not taking anything away. It takes a lot of discipline to do what is productive in a moment where we could choose to do something else. But it’s important that you renounce practices that bring you down, like scrolling on that app or watching Netflix till late. We think texting three people at once and checking our snap every ten minutes is what we want, but I know you know there are better choices to be made. Filling those time slots with doing homework, practicing that new hobby or just reading is true self love. This means giving up the darker and more addictive habits too, at least less. Taking steps forward will be easier without these weights attached to your feet, even though you’re used to walking with them.
Finally, self love means doing nothing. Really…like actually doing nothing. Don’t do anything. Make no moves, make no plans, don’t even lift a finger. This might be the hardest part of them all. Don’t send that text, don’t make that snarky comment and most importantly, don’t hang out with your friends. It’s tiresome, worrisome and a lot of commitment to be constantly in contact with people. Try instead, to only make plans with yourself. It’s a section of time and activity can you fill with giving back to your dipleting self, instead of someone who isn’t you. I know you think you need them to feel better, but you need you in order to feel better.
I haven’t made any plans with anyone in two weeks. I’ve been tempted too a lot and have missed some people dearly. It hurts me that they don’t seem to miss me the same way, but instead of sacrificing my heart by reaching out to them again and being rejected, I’ve invested in me. To first decide to do this I had to cut myself off in my head. I made the choice that I needed me more than anyone else did, and that’s been made clear by their actions too. In my mind I said, I’m sorry, I need to make myself better right now, and kindly said “see you later” to the friends I would have been focusing on. Even though it was hard, whether they understood and were okay with it or not, it wasn’t my responsibility anymore. I release myself from that burden.
In my day to day life, if I don’t get everything I need to get done, I experience terrible anxiety. These past weeks I’ve gone to work for 6 hours then came home and instead of going out or inviting someone over, I did homework for 4 hours. I know it sounds lame, not fun and the least lit way to spend your weekends, but I’m able to keep my mind much more clear and stress free. Finally, I’ve added to my life. Instead of laying down before bed and scrolling through my phone for hours, I’ve been teaching myself the ukulele, writing, cooking and reading. These things have added so much sunshine and happiness to my life. They make me feel smart, busy, clean and just more wholesome. All of these have been essential to bouncing back from my blows.
It comes down to the fact that we want to feel better but aren’t actually willing to do the deep healing things we need for the long run. Putting on bandaids isn’t gonna heal you nearly as fast as a few hard decisions. I already feel myself improving emotionally, psychological and just being better all around, by simply giving myself to me and no one else. Being alone isn’t lonely. It’s highly addictive actually. It makes things very clear, and allows me the room to grow.