As cliche as it sounds, your first love is something that you will never forget. It’s one of the best moments of your life that seems almost magical, but at the same time it’s the worst. You do not want it to end, but once it is over, you wish it had never begun. Well, here is my first love story in a nutshell. We talked for about 18 months; we did everything together. We went on dates, had constant communication, and confided in each other. I had never been the one to date while I was in high school and I always refused to get to know anyone on a deeper level. It was not my cup of tea, mostly because my high school was smaller than most and we were all like family. It wasn’t until college that I decided to open up to someone and talk to someone on a deeper level. School began, ended, summer started, and ended, and before I knew it, I fell in love for the first time. I considered him one of my closest friends, I had fallen in love with my best friend.
Fast forwards 18 months later; life happened and everything ended in a blink of an eye. Things were ‘moving too fast for him’ as if 18 months of getting to know someone wasn’t enough. I was then put in a difficult situation and I knew I was not going to get over it anytime soon because of how much pain it had caused. I ended…whatever it was we had and from one day to another I had lost complete trust in the one person I confided in the most. During the ‘breakup’ process, I felt like I had lost myself as well. For the first couple of months, I was your typical “heart broken girl”. My friends would find me in my room, multiple cups of wine in, looking at old pictures and crying my eyes out. They would wake up to me sobbing at 11am, realizing that I had not even gone to bed yet. I had never felt so vulnerable before. I was a mess. It got to a point where my friends had to sit down with me and tell me they could no longer stand to see me in such a bad shape. Slowly but surely, I got it together and I realized I was not going to let one bad relationship shape me as a person and I knew for sure I wasn’t going to let it bring me down any longer.
It has now been about a year since I last had any communication with my first love. The biggest thing the ‘breakup’ process made me realize was how much it can force a person to grow. Aside from my downfall, the process helped me mature when it came to relationships with a SO and relationships in general. I had to forgive him for my own sanity, even though he never really asked for my forgiveness. I had to let it all go in order for me to be able to accept what the situation was and move on. It was definitely one of the toughest times in my short twenty years of life. It was one of those situations that I never thought would get any better, until it finally did.
One of my best friends recently went through a breakup with someone she had been with for about two years, and some of the best advice I could give her was to not be afraid to let out what you really feel. Whether it’s journaling, crying, drawing, or whatever it is that is going to help you get through it. The way my counselor explained breakups to me made me realize that crying, journaling, and accepting what the situation is is the only way you will get through it. He compared a breakup to someone passing away. You grieve because you lost someone who you truly cared about and who suddenly is no longer a part of your life.
The ‘breakup’ made me realize I was strong enough to get through days that I never thought would end. It made me realize that I did not deserve someone who wasn’t going to put in as much effort into the friendship as much as I was, and that that person definitely did not deserve me. It made me realize I was capable of giving my all to someone even though that person did not reciprocate the exact feelings back. It made me realize my own worth. It was my first time opening up to someone, it was my first time craving committment. It was my first time experiencing unrequited love.