Confession: I have never been in a relationship.
I know, it’s shocking. I’m nearly 20 and I’ve never had a significant other. It is a strange feeling, being perpetually single. Most women have been told since birth, practically, that there is somewhere out there for them- their other half, their soulmate.
Like many women, I have not been lucky enough to find such a person.
I spent much of my adolescence dreaming of such a love, thinking all of my troubles would suddenly end when I found my soulmate. I would pine after boys, but as I was shy and awkward, I never found the courage to say anything substantial. High school passed me by and I never once formed a relationship with anyone. After I graduated, I felt completely hopeless about the situation. I scolded myself, thinking, ‘If only I had tried harder to be prettier/wittier/funnier, someone would have cared for me!’ I felt like I had failed in the most basic aspect of being a woman, and I let my feelings of disappointment overshadow all of the accomplishments I had made in my high school career.
I entered college with a relatively similar mindset: sad about my romantic failings, but hopeful I would find someone. Again, no luck. There were offers, but nothing I wanted to pursue. As the year progressed, I began feeling hopeless. Panic set in; I could not allow myself to become a spinster. If I achieve anything in life, it will be a relationship. I will find someone to complete me.
I soon realized these thoughts I had about love and my connection to love, as a woman, were toxic. I am not defined by how many people are attracted to me or how many relationships I have had. I am my accomplishments, my ambitions and my work.
Slowly but surely, I began to change my mindset about my place in the world. I began to untie my old toxic, societal beliefs about love from myself. I began to change my view of myself in the world. My purpose is not to belong to someone. I belong to myself. My purpose is simple: to find my own happiness and create happiness for others. I will do everything within my power to create change in my life. Whether or not I find love on the way is of no consequence. My power as a woman comes from myself, and so long as I have my friends, family and ambition, I will be fine.
I am not hopeless. I am not entirely at ease with my view, either. It is a constant struggle. I see my friends who date and cannot help but compare myself to them. I am still insecure, but I find strength in myself and know I can overcome anything.
I find beauty, love and humor in my position (even going so far as to call my house “the spinster spot”). Just as solitude can be lonely and desolate, it can be fulfilling and empowering.
I am a strong, independent woman.