I was raised to equate thinness with beauty. I watched the women around me go through phases trying every diet under the sun. Every time those 5-10 pounds were lost, they were endlessly praised. Diet culture surrounded me — pantries lined with Atkins bars and Slimfast shakes, and relatives with bare plates during the holidays shooting judgmental glances toward the cookie in my hand.
I have never been thin, and I grew up believing that that made me inherently lesser. I hated my body and myself, so I avoided tight or revealing clothes and lived my life in a state of never-ending self-consciousness. I remember even as early as elementary school paying attention to the bodies of myself and those around me, and being self-conscious and upset when I noticed that I had the largest belly in the room.
Unlearning these beliefs and seeing myself in a different light has been far from easy, and I still catch myself going back to old habits and negative self-talk. I just work each day to correct my thinking by changing the words I use to describe myself. If I catch myself thinking something like “gross, my stomach is poking out,” I’ll try to correct it to “This is my stomach. Everyone has a stomach. It allows me to eat the foods that I enjoy.” It’s still ingrained in me to feel bad when parts of my body look a certain way, but recognizing and challenging these thoughts has been helpful.
What really inspired me to start my body confidence journey was attending The Body Project, a two session all-women seminar focused on unpacking toxic beauty and appearance ideals. It was really powerful for me to voice my insecurities out loud for the first time and to find out that there are other women with bodies extremely different from mine that are dealing with the same insecurities and challenges. It’s easy to get wrapped up in your own mind and think that you are the only person who feels bad about your body. In reality, this is something that everyone, especially women, face throughout our lives.
Since the Body Project, I have made a more conscious effort to love and appreciate my body. One small victory that occured recently was buying and wearing a crop top for the first time. Wearing a crop top to the grocery store may seem insignificant, but it took me so long to get to that point; I had the crop top in my closet for over a year before I was confident enough to actually wear it. As someone who has always had a larger belly that I was constantly aware of, it was pretty much ingrained in me that crop tops were for girls with flat stomachs. It was really hard to convince myself that I could wear one too.
The journey to self-love and self-confidence isn’t easy. It’s not linear. Some days I feel great wearing shorts and tank tops and leggings, and some days I cry in the mirror and pull on my biggest sweatshirt. But overall, I’ve been able to wear more clothes that I like without feeling guilty or upset. I even went up a jean size over quarantine, and I decided to just get a new pair instead of trying to squeeze into clothes that aren’t right for me. Our bodies are always going to be changing and what’s considered “ideal” in America is always changing too. Your body is deserving of appreciation and love regardless of its shape or size.