The term “girls’ girl” was recently developed to describe women who actively build up and support fellow women, but has also been used to tear down the ones who push down and humiliate other women in an attempt to look better by comparison. In most examples, women who are not “girls’ girls” usually humiliate other women in front of other people, most commonly when competing for male attention. While this term may be another way of putting women against each other or keeping us in boxes, it does raise an important issue with roots in true feminism and how to act daily with this view.
In honor of National Women’s Day, I aim to decode how to become a true “girls’ girl” and how to lift other women in a world where we are repeatedly pitted against each other. It will involve some soul searching, and if you start to find reasons why you aren’t a textbook “girls’ girl”, that’s alright! A bit of internal reflection may just be the next step for all of us girls to start empowering each other more consistently.
You May be the Problem (And that’s okay!)
We have been wired to be far more critical of women than men. I’ve noticed in my own life how subconsciously I would judge a woman’s appearance far more than a man’s appearance. This epiphany made me so disappointed in myself as a feminist, who was actively tearing down other women in my head. While it may not be our fault for confining our mindsets to how society has projected women, it is our responsibility to recognize these subconscious judgments and attempt a change. That is the first step.
Leaving Jealousy at the Door
Here comes the soul searching. Once you recognize and take responsibility for your past mindset, it is time to look inward at your insecurities and reasons for making these judgments. Some may struggle more than others with jealousy, but as humans, we all have a natural desire to compare and to wish we could be different. Often when we see others with what we want, instead of admitting to being jealous or even intimidated by someone, we instantly revert to internally disassembling everything about them, attempting to make ourselves feel better about having less and looking better by comparison. But this isn’t a new idea.
My first step for reversing jealousy is when I catch myself comparing myself to another woman, I immediately try and turn those positive. “Wow, she’s wearing way too much makeup. She’s probably super insecure and ugly underneath”, can be changed to, “Her makeup looks amazing, and she probably loves that she can express herself artistically like that.” It sounds so simple and yet challenging to apply every time. But how you actively think about others can change the way you subconsciously view them.
The same goes for your language: if you talk badly about girls behind their backs, you will always think negatively about them. If you start to compliment girls genuinely, especially around others, you are switching your mindset to not focus on what you may be jealous of but to celebrate what makes other girls special and different from you.
Men.
Girls, men should not define your value. Or rather, we need to stop letting men think they have the power to define our value. They’ve done that for long enough through a system they created, but we don’t live in that age anymore. You shouldn’t even let other women define your value. You and you alone have all the power in the world to define your confidence, your wholeness, and your value in life.
This should be obvious too, but DON’T GO FOR OTHER GIRL’S MAN! I promise you, male attention is so worthless, so don’t go out of your way to be different around guys for attention. Find fulfillment somewhere else.
Girl Code
If you know you know. This ranges from protecting girls in conversations or when you are going out somewhere, complimenting and not gatekeeping information, quietly letting someone know if they have something stuck in their teeth, and other general kind things you can do to support the women around you. What goes around comes around.
This National Women’s Day let’s recognize that we are all in this together. We don’t need to compete with fellow women or make them feel smaller so we can feel bigger. We can redirect our attention to lifting other women and determine what it means to be a “girls’ girl” as we build a stronger community between girls.