St Andrews is a strange place to build a relationship, as our three-street university town creates the very real possibility of spending almost every hour of the day together – of having the same friends and joining the same societies or sports clubs. And when my boyfriend and I started dating near the beginning of the last academic year this possibility became my reality. Cooking meals, watching TV and going to sports club events together became regular every-day activities. So, it won’t come as a shock that long distance certainly changed our relationship in many ways.
But as my boyfriend is currently on a placement year near London, while I’m still in St Andrews struggling through my final year, we quickly realised how important it was to figure out when and how we would see each other. For us, the conclusion was that at least two visits a month (alternating me travelling down south and him coming up to Scotland) was best for us – though I would like to clearly state that every relationship is unique and what works best for us might not work well for others.
Now, this may seem to some like a lot of visits and too much to ask, both from someone starting a new 9-5 and someone in their final year of university. I won’t lie, it’s not easy Balancing my fourth-year studies, friendships, society and sports clubs as well as the overall stress of the adult world creeping in is already a lot. A long-distance relationship with a lot of travelling back and forth can sometimes feel like just yet another commitment.
To tackle this, my boyfriend and I agreed soon after starting long distance that we wouldn’t put pressure on time spent together. If you treat quality time as a rarity, the obligation to always appear ‘fun’ or ‘exciting’ can add unnecessary stress to your relationship. Simply being honest in how you are feeling and still continuing with the everyday activities such as studying or doing washing (that you may have done together when you were in St Andrews) – instead of trying to plan interesting trips away or adventurous activities to do together – can actually be a way of reconnecting.
This reading week I travelled down to Cambridge, where my boyfriend is currently staying, and we did just this. While the weekends and some evenings did include some nice meals out, as well as a trip to the cinema and a comedy show, most of the week was spent with him at work and me working on assessments. We cooked together, cleaned together, went on runs and generally chilled together in the evenings.
Is this what we want to be doing every week? No. But the reality right now is that he has a full-time job in the South of England while I am a student in my final year up in Scotland. Reality can sometimes be inconvenient, unexciting and generally un-Instagramable. But, when you truly commit to a relationship and both of you want to make it work, intervals of inconvenience and tiring monotonous days can actually be a way to grow closer together and make your relationship stronger.