How do I ask for help? What should be included in an informational email? Will my colleagues think I am rude? These are common questions asked by nearly everyone in the workplace, but especially women. Combining the perceived directness of an environment with the natural inclination to be polite can be difficult, and there are no clear answers as to the best way to balance being polite and direct.Â
As women, we have a tendency to be overly nice. We are taught to always smile, exchange pleasantries, and behave in a warm, inviting manner. These actions are not taught to our male counterparts, and the differences in office email style were the subject of a popular TikTok trend. While funny, this trend highlighted a common workplace issue: women often feel pressured to address others in a manner that is almost apologetic, emphasising kindness over directness.
Make no mistake–being kind is not a detriment in the workplace. In fact, it can be an asset. Everyone should treat their colleagues with respect and work to foster a positive workplace environment. Kindness, however, can translate into indirectness when misused. For example, if you need data from a colleague, asking them about their weekend is unnecessary. It may feel good to build a rapport before asking for a favour, but as colleagues, you should be able to depend on each other without the need for small talk.
Small talk is commonly used to buffer a request and make the requester appear less needy or rude. Often, women feel like they cannot immediately ask for help or make any request without being an inconvenience. Workplace requests are almost never an inconvenience. I repeat: WORKPLACE REQUESTS ARE ALMOST NEVER AN INCONVENIENCE. Communication is necessary for an effective working environment, and oftentimes, it is appreciated. Being able to ask for help is a valuable skill that prevents misunderstandings and other issues that may arise.
So, where does being polite fit into the workplace? Everywhere. While being direct is important, common courtesy is important as well. Opening a conversation with a simple “good morning” or “hi, are you busy,” is an easy way to ensure politeness without beating around the bush. It allows for a quick and seamless transition into the main point without coming off as rude or abrupt. The same logic can be applied to emails. The content of the email can be short and to the point, while a slightly-informal “hi” can be used to address the addressee.
Of course setting should be taken into account as well. Addressing your colleague as you would your best friend, especially when they are part of senior leadership, is not usually appropriate. This is why being direct can be an asset in the workplace: it allows for the maintenance of professional boundaries.
The corporate world can be difficult to navigate, and balancing being polite vs indirect is tricky. It is important to remember that while everyone appreciates kindness, they also appreciate getting straight to the point.