Welcome back to the third edition of the St. Andrews’ Scoop! We’re back with more dilemmas, decisions, and delightful adventures. So, it’s time to tuck into some Christmas chocolate, your duvet, and this week’s Scoop. There may only be three streets, but they’re filled with many secrets.
“I have a mutual friend whose boyfriend I believe to be cheating. I don’t know how reliable the sources are but I’ve heard it from multiple people. It seems like everyone knows, but I don’t know if she does. What’s your opinion on making sure you have the girlies back with things like that? Do I tell her or leave it be? And if I do tell her, how do I go about it?”
Before you do anything, take a moment to think about your sources. Are their lack of reliability justified by multiple accounts of the same narrative? Do you think the information could be biased in any way? Does anyone stand to gain anything from the breakdown of their relationship? Once you’ve considered if the information is plausible, think about how, if at all, to approach it.
My advice would be to confront your friend’s boyfriend- a little unorthodox, I know- but confronting her boyfriend might provide more clarity to the situation. Asking him what’s going on and giving him the chance to tell your friend allows you to do the right thing without overly involving yourself in their relationship. Give him time to talk to her (maybe a week or so) and, if he doesn’t tell her, let him know that you’ll be telling her. This will give him time and give you confidence that things are heading in the right direction. Above all, try to avoid confrontational or aggressive language. I know you care deeply about your friend but making her boyfriend angry will only make matters worse.
If her boyfriend doesn’t follow through or insincerely denies the rumours, you should talk to your friend. Be honest with your limited knowledge and transparent with your intentions. You could say: ‘This is really difficult to bring up because I love you and don’t want to feel down, but I care about you and think you deserve to know. I’ve heard from several people that [ boyfriend’s name] might be cheating on you. I have no intention of hurting you but think it’s important to share.’
Most importantly, be there for your friend. If the rumours turn out to be true, she’ll likely be heartbroken, so do your best to be there for her as a friend and show her that platonic love is just as powerful as romantic. Give her time and space to process her emotions and be there for her no matter what her decision is.
These situations are never easy but your willingness to help shows how good of a friend you are and how much you truly care for her. Act with integrity and sensitivity and be proud of yourself for helping your friend.
“I have really bad social anxiety and have been invited to social events and don’t really know a lot of people. How do I get better at putting myself out there?”
Feeling anxious is horrible- it’s gut wrenchingly uncomfortable and shouldn’t be taken lightly. While I know the pressure of being sociable seems intense, sometimes it’s okay not to go to everything. Sometimes, stay in and recharging your batteries- preferably on the Bridget Jones’ trilogy, is exactly what you need.
My overarching piece of advice is ‘fake it until you make it’. Cliché, I know, but if you go to these events, act confident and get involved. Eventually, you’ll go to events knowing no one and still find enjoyment in yourself. Overtime, showing up to events with false confidence will morph into the most natural confidence imaginable. You don’t have to go in guns blazing; start small, with a smile and a hello, engaging in light hearted conversation. After a while, these will turn into meaningful conversations and real confidence.
Here are some of my top tips for navigating social interactions:
- Bring a Buddy
- If possible, invite someone you know and are comfortable with- having a familiar face can make a huge difference.
- Prepare Conversation Starters:
- Having a few questions or topics up your sleeve might alleviate the pressure in new, potentially awkward situations. Ask about classes, favourite coffee spots, or films- very simple, yet very effective.
- Take Things Slowly:
- Don’t expect radical change overnight and cut our self some slack. Be proud of making an active effort to put yourself out there and going out of your comfort zone, it’s a difficult thing to do and you’re putting in amazing effort!
- Set Realistic Goals:
- Rather than expecting to get along with everyone, aim to integrate into smaller groups and converse with a couple of new people. This will be much less intimidating and helps you focus on quality over quantity.
If your social anxiety begins to feel completely overwhelming and unbearable, I recommend you speak to your GP about anxiety support, or make an appointment with Student Services who can offer specialist help to solve difficult challenges.
“My friends and I want to plan a ski trip over Christmas break. They have a much bigger budget in mind than I do and I feel like they keep choosing really expensive locations, flights, accommodation etc. I really want to go, but now I don’t know if I can pay for it. Also one of the girls likes to be in charge but keeps making me feel bad when I make a suggestion against something she’s said”
I’m going to be completely honest, this is a really tricky situation. So difficult, I enlisted the help of my mummy- everyone knows mums have the best advice anyway! My mum’s worldly wisdom prefaced that if your friends aren’t willing to listen to you and adapt their plans to ensure everyone is included in the fun, they simply aren’t very good friends. If you’ve tried to talk to the ‘group leader’ and she’s ignorant to your point of view, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your friendship?
Before you make any rash decisions, however, try talking to your friends again. Set your boundaries and explain that more expensive options don’t suit you but that you would really like to go and make lasting memories together. Be appreciative of your friend’s hard work, she likely spent a lot of time planning and is feeling precious about her masterfully crafted itinerary. Yet, that still does not give her the right to put you down. Instead of being confrontational, highlight your appreciation for her efforts and propose you’ll give her a hand.
Negotiation and compromise are key. If they’re not willing to compromise, unfortunately, you might not get the opportunity to go skiing with them. I understand this is an unfortunate conclusion you may not want to hear, but sometimes things don’t go the way we want but still provide an opportunity for self-growth and appreciating the things you can do instead. While you’ll naturally feel sad about missing out, it may be a blessing in disguise.
Hopefully, your friends see reason and you’re all able to carve up the slopes and drink plenty of hot chocolate and aperol in your most stylish outfits. With honest communication and creativity, I believe you can plan the perfect getaway centered around memories rather than money. If your friends value your company (as they should!), they’ll adjust the plans to accommodate everyone.
That’s a 2024 dilemma wrap, see you in the new year with (hopefully) some extravagant recounts of steamy Christmastime romances or potentially awkward New Years’ Eve encounters. Good luck in your exams smart cookies! May your holidays be as bright as the library’s fluorescent lights (but hopefully much more pleasant).