I think it’s fair to say that the compliment “you’re not like other girls” has been fairly torn apart in recent years. Far from being any badge of honour, many women have argued that the so-called compliment depends on diminishing the rest of the female population and perpetuating internalised misogyny. But what about the compliment a woman may give about a man – that he is “not like other guys”? Does this have the same problematic connotations? If not, what allows for this strange asymmetry in how men and women can talk about each other?
The most obvious question that comes to my mind is what is meant by the phrase “other guys”? If a woman has had many bad experiences with men – particularly in relationships – and then meets someone nice and respectful, then the “other guys” in this context is likely a skewed perspective based on other experiences. This doesn’t seem to be the meaning of “other girls”. When a man tells a woman that she isn’t “like other girls’, the impression of this phrase appears to be that the man here is referring to some imaginary (often harmful) stereotype or perfected image of what a girl is like.
Is there an asymmetry at work here? Or could the same false, unfair stereotyping of women by men also be happening in the reverse case? While there are undoubtedly misogynistic character traits associated with women, such as jealousy, possessiveness, and manipulation, there also appear to be unfair stereotypes associated with men. Aggression, self-sufficiency and not showing emotional vulnerability are all negative perpetuated stereotypes of what it means to be ‘a man’.
There may be an argument that the so-called compliment “you’re not like other girls” is objectifying, painting women in the male gaze and praising them for being ‘special’ as according to a certain man. Perhaps one could argue that the same can be said for the reverse – that men can be objectified by women. However, the reality is that the meanings and consequences are often different: the imbalance in the threat which men pose to women is an obvious factor in how potentially dangerous objectification can be. And of course, there’s history. The sexualisation of women has been on-going for generations upon generations, normalising the objectification of women.
I am in no way suggesting that women don’t face very real threats – both physically but also socially – in common stereotypes and through objectification. However, what I am suggesting is that there is an asymmetry in how we treat the same language when used by women towards men. Though it is true that men do not face the exact same threats through the use of stereotypes and objectification, such behaviours can still be harmful, albeit in a different way. If we want to avoid being hypocritical, we should not uphold similar (though perhaps not exactly comparable) negative stereotypes and objectifications that we ourselves have faced as women. Though you may only be trying to make someone feel special, both women and men, I ask you to ask yourself before you give what you may think of as compliment – what are the costs and consequences? Sexualisation and stereotyping isn’t flattering as a woman, and it may not be for men either.