T-Pain does it. Your friends do it. You do it. Okay maybe not you, but you’ve seen that girl on TV do it. Heck, even I do it, and I’ve been sober since eighth grade.
Blame it on the a-a-a-ah-a-a-alcohol. And it’s understandable, right? I mean sometimes you have to be in the right zone to dance with that guy or wear the sexy booty skirt. But putting off our misdeeds on the liquid courage is no sideshow trick. This is a feat for only the most finessed of ladies and requires careful attention to detail. Yes, some of this may come off as a little unforgiving and judgmental. It is. But do you really want to end up known as that girl? Keep reading.
Now we aren’t talking about when you had a bad break-up or failed a test and you decide to down a bottle of Jack. That’s blaming your alcohol on the boyfriend. What we’re talking about is acting totally outrageous, totally daring, totally belligerent. There are two general categories in which we can divide blame-it-on-alcohol behavior. As with anything involving alcohol, there’s the, “That really happened?”, un-tagged from Facebook, relegate-to-the-dusty-corners-of-your-memory moments. We’ll call that category appropriate (for blaming it on the drank). Then there’s that pesky category of the, “Are you seriously drunk right now?” permanently-recorded-in-the-county-clerk’s-office, burned-into-your-mind moments. Let’s call this category downright inappropriate.
To determine if your behavior is in fact appropriate and you are indeed a normal functioning society-person you need to ask yourself, “Is this something I would do if I had just a little more cajones while sober or if I would do it without anyone looking?”
If the answer is yes, then congratulations! Go ahead and groove along with that 6 and act like he’s a 10. Ask out your dream-boy and get to work on your Spanish skills. What’s that? You don’t speak Spanish? You should know that the number one thing that keeps people from speaking a learned language is not a poor accent or insufficient vocabulary; it’s the lack of confidence. (I learned that from a slightly inebriated man at a Halloween party. Thanks!). So go ahead, release your inhibitions and work on your Español while you sip the Patron!
If you’re trying to blame it on alcohol and you can answer yes to the question, “Is this something I would be doing in daylight in view of my mother?” then you might have a problem. Alcohol should not be your excuse for bombing an interview or failing a test or getting a ticket. That’s called alcoholism — and a DUI. When you stumble over at your little cousin’s Bat Mitzvah, your family will be a lot more thankful it was because of those deathly Manolos than the dry martinis (Note: You do not want to be the reason a Jewish grandmother rethinks the open bar.) Look, everyone needs a get-out-jail-free pass once in a while, but when it’s literally to get out of jail, maybe you should stick to general excuses like “Sorry, Officer, I was putting on mascara!”