$#*! Cosmo Says: November 2011

Sure, it may be December.  Starbucks has unveiled their holiday menu, Christmas lights abound and Ugly Christmas sweater parties flourish.  But it still doesn’t seem like December you say?  Why that’s because we have yet to publish the November edition of $#*! Cosmo Says.  And with this post, might I say, let the holiday season commence!
 
First off, I must celebrate the fierceness that is Nicki Minaj.  Dressed in what else but leather and a come-hither glance, this Barbie captivates.  That’s two knockouts in a row, Cosmo (Minka Kelly last month…no words).
 
And again, “101 Things About Men” is a goldmine of quotable goodies.  Apparently “The Words He’s Dying to Hear in the A.M.” are “Your abs look so lickable right now.”  Complimenting your man?  Sure, but “lickable” and “abs” should never be in the same sentence –unless they’re drizzled with chocolate sauce.
 
In other noteworthy news, according to recent research, eating fewer carbs reduces belly fat.  You don’t say!  This just might be five years too late.  Ask Atkins, Mr. South Beach Diet or any other diet of the past decade.  But here is where I pick my bone with Cosmo: “His beauty picks.”   Apparently 64% of guys would prefer we save the ponytail for the gym.  And I don’t like porn ‘staches, but it doesn’t look like they’re going anywhere this No Shave November.
 
I must applaud the editors for venturing into the untapped territory that is the male hygiene routine.  Having two brothers, I must say the notion of cleanser, toner, moisturizer, and mask is laughable.  Getting them to do one would prove an incredible feat.  Therefore suggesting to “Treat Him to a Manly Mask” is beyond me. “Guys are usually anti-face masks.  Enter the latests: Bliss No ‘Zit’ Sherlock Brekatout-Busting Rubberizing Mask, which dries to a rubbery finish and peels off Mission Impossible-style.”  Just because you included his favorite action movie Mission Impossible in the title does not mean that your man will be any less hesitant to let you put a face mask on him.  Oh and trying to “Sweeten an A.M. Make-Out Sesh” by rubbing honey and sugar on each other’s lips…I would advise against this one too.
 
But their beauty advice is downright mild after reading “25 Kinky Things to Do With Your Undies.”  I don’t think you need any clarification as to why not to do these things.  Does hygiene or dignity come into mind?
1. When you’re at the bar, take off your thong and slip it into his hands.
Be more subtle –tell him you’re not wearing underwear.
2. Use your underwear as a scrunchie.
3. Make a pair [of edible underwear] with whipped cream then let him lick it off you.
4. Put your undies over his eyes, blindfold-style.
5. Have him place his ankles in the holes of your underwear, almost like you’re trying his feet together.  He’ll feel massively dominated –aka massively turned on.
Until next time, readers!