Four months later and my Cosmo withdrawal symptoms have yet to subside. I guess you could call it a full-blown disorder at this point. Note to self: it is cheaper to admit defeat and purchase a subscription. But, here we go again; you know the deal – at least you should. Cosmo publishes. Allison critiques.
For starters, the word “sex” only appeared once on the cover! Maybe they’re trying to decrease the awkwardness that inevitably occurs at the checkout counter. Um yes man-older-than-my-dad, I do need to know my “Bad-Boy Index.” Wait, I spoke too soon. “What Your Va-Jay-Jay is Dying to Tell You” definitely doesn’t help. Where are the self-checkout counters when you need them?
Ahhh Sexy vs. Skanky! If you weren’t already aware, camel toes, stretching in a mini-dress, and uploading Twitpics of yourself half naked are skanky…not sexy. Thanks for that, Cosmo. I feel so enlightened.
Oh, 101 Things About Men. Talk about a goldmine.
1. Apparently if you’re looking for ways to supercharge his desire, say, “put your ____ in my ____.” Clinical, much?
2. What is it with guys wanting to be the little spoon? It’s. Not. Happening.
3. I think this article speaks for itself. What to Say When He Asks for Your Number (Yeah, That One):
· This year? Let me think…
· Between one and Gene Simmons
· Enough to know what I’m doing
· 867-5309. Oh not that number?
· “You were my first…and also my last.” Then give him a big, creepy smile.
· Oh my god, I don’t even know how many pairs of shoes I own, and you expect me to remember that?
Cosmo really knows how to let ‘em down easy.
4. Pauly D gives dating advice. No, that’s not a typo. Pauly D gives dating advice. Because I really want to be a 31 year-old detonating grenades (Please tell me someone watches the Jersey Shore.)
5. Titled In Defense of the Slacker Dudewritten by none other than a slacker dude himself. Sorry guys, I just couldn’t get myself to read this one. This just reeks “I still live with my parents,” and at some point you have to cut the umbilical cord.
I always look forward to the sex advice written by men. The logic goes a little something like this: man = man parts = actually knowing what men want. But forgive me if I expect a non-douchebag. Though this may be asking too much.
Cosmo Asks: Do guys like to have their balls played with during sex?
Douchebag Says: Do chicks like compliments? Of course we do!
Cosmo Asks: Can a guy ever have too much sex?
DB Says: Can the pope ever have too much church?
Warning: There’s a particular gene variant that linked to men who resist marriage. No, just no.
Lastly, Fun, Revealing Games to Play With Him. Okay, I see you pulling the Jedi mind tricks. Prepared to try this one out myself, I came to a screeching halt. Keep reading:
1. When was the first moment you knew you were into me?
2. Imagine we had unlimited funds. Now go into detail about the romantic vacation we’d take.
3. What kind of outfit do you think I look hottest in?
4. Describe your ideal Sunday – starting with waking up next to me.
Insecure much?
Needless to say, see you guys back here next month!