Go Animal Style and Save 100% on Relationship Advice Today

Stanford may be one of the biggest campuses in the United States. However, there’s no denying that with a new Spring quarter come countless opportunities to see people- and things- suddenly emerge from the depths of California winters. Like the bro tanks that stroll through campus, simulating uniformed warriors willing to fight off random April showers. Or like the fuzzy little guys that hang out in trees, serving as constant reminders that nature really is all around us.

A good Veteran Tree is prepared for both, especially the former. But, can you ever really be prepared for the latter? For those hungry hungry caterpillars that randomly appear next to your plate out on the Branner Dining Hall patio? Or show up on your Life textbook when you really don’t need an excuse to skip yet another day of HumBio readings? 

But there is so much more these little guys can do. “Going ‘animal style’” shouldn’t be limited to your fast food preferences. The fuzzy little nuisances can be repurposed to save your love life! Want to make use of their services? You’re in luck, they’re free.

1. Use them as Conversation Starters

Have you ever sat in class and noticed that the person in front of you had the loveliest locks? Did you ever wish you could just talk to them, and maybe eventually run your fingers through their hair? Simply place a caterpillar on the person you wish to talk to, and then be a total hero when you so graciously offer to take it off. You’ll have a reason to talk to them and immediately save the day, for which they will be eternally grateful and will have to talk to you back.

2. Take things to the next level

So you’ve talked to the person of your dreams, what now? You sure could write a steamy post about them for Stanford Crushes. But, if you feel inspired by the warmth of the Spring California sun, invite your crush on a bike ride to Town and Country for good old-fashioned ice cream, or CVS shopping. The idyllic road there is lined with trees filled with caterpillars that hang loose as if to say they’d rather be out surfing. Ride through and collect as many as you can on the way. The person with the most caterpillars at the end of the ride wins! As you sensually pick the wriggling critters off of each other and watch the intimacy unfold, everyone wins!

3. Snapchat them that ‘pillar if it’s cool

Remind them of all your fun times by snapping the coolest caterpillars you see around campus. The cluster of twenty caterpillars wriggling around next to the bike racks? Snap it. The single caterpillar aesthetically swinging from a blossoming tree? Snap it. Bae will start to think of you whenever they’re cruisin’ around campus.

4. Watch your relationship evolve

This one is easy. Just as the caterpillars turn to moths, sit back and watch your relationship evolve into something not quite as beautiful as a butterfly.

If you’re still not convinced that the caterpillars are a blessing in disguise, I totally get it. It’s fair to say these little creatures won’t be winning popular votes on the ASSU senate any time soon. They’re not the most lovable of creatures, but if one thing is certain it’s that unlike the actual ASSU candidates, the caterpillars actually have the power to change your Stanford experience…as the perfect wing-women.  

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