This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Stanford chapter.
Wondering how to ruin someone’s night? Hoping to be re-saved as “Worst. Date. Ever.” in your boytoy’s phone? Cause nightmares and self-esteem issues with pet-names and Love Ferns? Well look no further, Collegiettes™. I can virtually guarantee an “ok we’ll talk” (translation: “In the future, I will avoid you at all costs”) and all future reference to you in Date History as “That Girl Who Sucked,” IF you do any of the things listed below:
- Respond to “wanna hang out?” text with “oooo!!! Yessss!!!!! <3 <3 <3 :) :) :)”
- Wear at least 3 times as much makeup as you normally wear. The more you resemble a pageant contestant and the less you resemble yourself, the better.
- Nothing makes boys feel more uncomfortable on a first date than 6-inch stilettos. Really? You still feel “so fuego” (thanks, Baby Bash[1]) when you’re hobbling around like a hunchback with the equivalent of steak knives attached to your feet? Really?
- Refuse to get into the car until a) your new boo physically comes to the door, and/or b) gets out of the car and opens the door for you like you’re 6.
- Once in said car, immediately criticize music choice. “Wow. Dave Matthews Band? How originallllll”
- Then change the song to “Pretty Girl Rock” by Keri Hilson. Or “What the Hell” by Avril Lavigne. Or some song with equally terrible lyrics and equally obnoxious singing [editor’s note: I actually am shamelessly obsessed with both]. Bonus points if you sing along. Double bonus if you roll down the windows and sing really loudly. Triple bonus if you force the boy to sing, too.
- Yes. You are correct. The moment you walk into Sundance Steakhouse is the perfect time to let your date know about your recent conversion to “the vegan lifestyle besides bacon” Also the perfect segue into a 40-minute speech on your dietary needs — don’t forget, “did you know Altoids have pig gelatin in them? I can’t eat Altoids. Do you like Altoids? I can’t eat them. I’m a vegan.”[2]
- Order à la Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally”. Better yet, for ultimate date discomfort and stereotype reinforcement, just don’t order anything!
- Talk the entire dinner. Actually. Example: “soanywaysasiwassayingi’mfrommarylandbutmydadisactuallyoriginallyfromKansasCitysosometimeswegothereforvacationsbutit’sactuallyprettylamehaveyoubeentoKansasCity?NottheKansasonetheMissourionethere’sadifferencehahawhoknew?ididn’titotallythoughtitwasinKansasthewholetimecrazy!”
- Surefire way to make sure he doesn’t like you? Work in as many likes as possible. “I’m like actually like super like interested in public policy but like I’m not totally sure if like that’s really how I like want to spend my like…four years at school. Like, you know what I, like, mean?”
- If your date actually manages to get a word in edgewise, and conversation turns to a topic you have no knowledge of, don’t ask him to tell you more, just act like you know what you’re talking about: Boy — “So, yeah, I’d probably say Dwight Howard is totally my bro” You — “Oh my god I totally loved Dwight Howard in Happy Days! SO cute!” Boy — “Um…I think that’s Ron Howard?…”
- When it comes time to pay for the grub, don’t. move. a. muscle. Don’t even do a fake reach for your wallet. Just stare expectantly and remain absolutely silent.
- On the car ride home, do not comment on how delicious the food was. Do not comment on the luxurious interior of his Honda Accord. Do not collect $100 when you pass Go. This may be the correct time to bring up the subject of how totally adorable the two of you would be as a couple. Better yet, how adorable your children would be.
- DO NOT. I repeat. DO NOT. AT ANY POINT. SAY THANK YOU. Just don’t do it. Gratitude may lead your date to believe that you actually enjoyed yourself, or that his attempts at chivalry were well received. Why would you want him to think that?! As soon as he slows to a reasonable speed, whip off your seatbelt and jump out of the car like you’re on an episode of Cops.
- If your new buddy is — by some miracle/sick joke — still interested after all of your ridiculous antics, please seek immediate medical attention. For him. And then comment on this article to collect your prize, because that kind of crazy deserves some kind of recognition.