People say age is just a number, but when it comes to your sexual history, the verdict is still out.
“If she has hooked up with over 10 guys in a year, that’s a little too much.” “It’s gross.” “In a perfect situation, I’d marry a virgin. It’s just a nice thing to have.” “If they have had sex with more than 15 people it would make me think that they get around too much.” “I think double digits for a college freshman is a lot.”
These are just a few of the various responses I received when asking what “a lot” of partners is and whether or not learning about a partner’s sexual history would alter one’s perception of him or her. Hoping to reach a consensus about the significance of the notches on your bedpost, I may have just scratched the surface.
It seems that revealing your number triggers judgment regardless of whether it is deemed “high” or “low.” Rachel*, a freshman at the University of Miami stressed, “everyone has their own ideas about how many partners are appropriate. If it’s too low people think you’re virginal, too high and you’re a slut.” And Roger* a Stanford freshman equated the number of partners to a bell curve: “It’s cool at first but after a while it’s kind of gross.” Because people tend to project their expectations about someone’s sexual history, divulging your number shatters these assumptions.
But, let’s do a little math. After hearing abstract numbers thrown at me for being regarded as “too high,” I decided to combat this to see if I could get people to come around. COED magazine tells us to think about it this way:
When a chick’s in college, she goes out a MINIMUM of 3 times a week. Multiply that by 4-5 weeks depending on the month and that’s 12-15 times a month. Multiply by 12 months and you have 144 – 180 times per year. Now, say she slept with a different guy each MONTH. Just 1 guy per month, maybe they dated for a couple weeks, maybe it was a one night stand. That’s 12 guys in 1 year. Twelve sexual partners out of 144 nights out (12/144) = she slept with a new guy 8.3% of her nights out; out of 180 nights out, it’s lowered to 6.67% of nights out. I don’t know about you but 7-8% of the time doesn’t sound very high.
But, that’s just one year. What if we started when she first became “legal” (in most states) at age 18. Twelve sex partners a year times 6 years (18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24) and you have 72 sexual partners. Absolutely unheard of, right? She must be a complete c*m dumpster! Let’s back it off a bit. Let’s say she’s had sex with a different guy each season – 1 for Fall, 1 for Winter, 1 for Spring, 1 for Summer. That number is still 24 sexual partners. WAY above the “average”.
The swiftness to label someone based on this number troubles me. The fundamental attribution error (Psych 1, anyone?) refers to the tendency to overestimate the internal and underestimate the external factors when explaining the behaviors of others. Essentially, we tend to pay more attention to the situation rather than the individual. For example, when hearing a high number of previous partners, people tend to immediately assume “slut” or “player,” when in fact these may not be accurate depictions of the situation. Asher* a freshman at Georgetown recognizes this fact stating, “The number, however, needs more context [like] things such as the relationship with those partners, the time in which they did have sex.”
Furthermore, if the purpose of disclosing your past serves solely to facilitate judgment, I see no reason to do so. When entering a relationship with someone, this would seem like a secondary factor. In the same way that bringing up an ex on a date is irrelevant to the establishing a new relationship, emphasizing your sexual history is similarly trivial. Elizabeth* echoes this sentiment who insists, “there are things that matter so much more than how many people you’ve slept with.”
If anything, the possibility of contracting an STI should be the motivating factor to finding out someone’s number. But you should have the opportunity to tell someone this crucial information by getting tested rather than detailing your sexual history.
There seems to be no clear consensus about what is deemed “appropriate,” but of utmost importance is self-respect.
And not to say I get my life lessons from “Mean Girls” but uh, I second Ms. Norbury when she says, “you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it OK for guys to call you sluts and whores.”
*names have been changed