I grew up in a Haitian household.
I am a black woman.
I am a first-generation American.
For those of you who don’t know, Haitian families, like most immigrant families, tend to place emotion at the bottom of the needs hierarchy for their children. The top of the list would probably be good grades and a good career, followed by a successful husband or wife. Now, this isn’t to say they don’t care about or love their children. Immigrant parents just don’t convey love in the form of emotional catering; they show it by wanting the best in life for their child. They just happen to think that grades and a career constitute an optimal life.I bring up my Haitian upbringing because the lack of emotional support I had growing up was the catalyst for me seeking therapy, as I got older.
Going to therapy was a decision I made on my own. In fact, I remember it being a very awkward conversation when I first brought it up. My parents’ instincts were that something must have been wrong and that it was something that they could just “fix,” but that was so far from the case. As people of color, we often think that therapy is “for white people.” The mentality is that one only goes to therapy or deals with mental illnesses if he or she is stereotypically “crazy.” Mental illnesses have only recently become normalized, but therapy is mental maintenance. The same way you take vitamins, eat well and workout to prevent physical illness; one should take care of their mental health. Part of that mental maintenance is making sure you find your own therapy. For me, one of my therapeutic practices just happens to be literal, open-dialogue therapy.
Therapy works for me because my mind runs at a mile a minute. Also, I’m very quick to put up a million walls with my friends in order to put their needs first. During therapy sessions, however, I’m allowed to be myself genuinely and just slow down for a moment in time. I’m able to get ideas out of my head that have been building pressure and can put them out into the universe. Speaking about what goes through my head helps me.
I’m not saying it works for everyone, but it works for me.
My therapist is also my support system. She constantly reminds me of my worth when I don’t see it for myself, and checks me when my behaviors are maladaptive. Most importantly, she reminds me to be my own best friend and to treat myself the way I treat others. Often, especially as young women, we get so caught up giving and giving to everyone but ourselves. We try to defy stereotypes and have it all, and be strong, unwaveringly, throughout our journeys. So, that’s why I have therapy: because being strong all the time is exhausting.
I wish I could be Oprah to this and find everyone an accessible therapist who meets their needs…But life doesn’t always work that way.
Sometimes a good therapist is not within reach.
Sometimes they’re expensive.
Maybe you have anxiety about the whole ordeal.
Maybe you need a therapist you can identify with.
In general, it’s hard to find someone you trust but I suggest that you take that leap. In the same way that you date and meet new people too find “the one,” you might have to “date” a few therapists.
Everyone has their own ways to cope, but not all are healthy. I choose to do things that not only help me take my mind off, or work through, things that are negative but are also conducive to my own growth. I go to therapy sessions but I also write, paint, or try to squeeze in yoga sessions. It doesn’t have to be literal therapy but find something that’s healthy for your soul and gives you a chance to breathe amidst all the chaos.
Basically, I’m a huge advocate for therapy, especially for people of color. Rarely do we ever take time for ourselves. It’s not always an easy conversation to have. Sometimes the conversation is a bit nerve-wracking to bring up to family, or embarrassing to bring up to friends.
Sometimes, it’s hardest to admit to ourselves that we’ve been neglecting our own wellbeing.
Luckily, Stony Brook has a therapy resource right on campus in the health center:
Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS)
Spring and Fall Semester Hours: Monday to Friday: 9 am – 5 pm
Summer, Intersession & Spring Break Hours: Monday to Friday: 8 am – 4 pm
Need support after these hours? Contact CAPS After Hours! Call (631) 632-6720 and press 2 to speak to a professional counselor.