I miss him, but he’ll never know it

Dearest Matty,

You’ll never know about this because I’ll never give you this letter to read. You’ll never know how I feel about you because you and I both know it’s way too late for me to admit this to you. You and I will never see each other again, never smile about something shared again. I’ll never have another conversation with you. You probably think that is something I’m okay with, but the truth is, I’m not. I miss you everyday. I miss our friendship. I miss knowing stupid things about you, like how unneccessarily observant you are. I miss knowing that our hands fit together perfectly, and that I hadn’t noticed it before. Do you remember when my allergies were really bad freshman year, and I burst a blood vessel in my eye? Do you remember trying to check on me,  and see if it cleared up? Do you remember being my eyes that week? I do.

Do you remember when I told you I wanted to get a breast reduction, and you offered to carry my backpack around if I went through with the surgery? I do. 

I remember this one time we were holding hands in Mrs. Rivers room one morning, and she asked if we were together. I hope you don’t remember this, but it’s something I can’t run away from. I wish I had said yes. I wish I let you date me when you wanted to. I wish I was ready to be loved by you, and of course I’m coming to this realization 4 years too late.

I know that you’ve moved on with your life, as have I. I just hope that you are happy and well. I wish I could tell you this in person. I wish I was confident enough to put myself out there, and show that care about you. I’ve always cared about you. I wish you knew that I wanted to talk to you, or I wish that you wanted to talk to me. I wish everything could’ve gone differently. But here we are now, and I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate that you aren’t my boyfriend, let alone my best friend anymore, and you never will be again. I wish God would cause some type of miracle or freak accident to force us back together. 

Or, I wish I could forget you. I wish I could forget that I love you, and that I want to be with you. I wish that I didn’t have to realize this too late. I almost wish I never knew you. 

I’m sorry,

Telli