Overcoming Catholic School Trauma

I had attended public institutions nearly my entire life (not counting the one year at a private Kindergarten). Out of the blue, my parents informed me that I would not be going to high school with any of my friends. I was terrified to attend a school 40 minutes from home with no one I would know. Even worse, I had to go to church. Ew. My family had not attended service since I was in Elementary school, and we were not remotely religious, but someone who knows someone told my parents it was a good school, so off I went!

I can’t sit here and act like it was the worst possible thing that could ever happen; that would be ignorant. Am I thankful to be able to afford and attend a well-known private institution? Absolutely. Were the people who inhabited said school the absolute worst people known to mankind and left me with lifelong trauma? Yes. I knew nothing about the Catholic church or how strictly conservative it was. My knowledge of church consisted of Vacation Bible School and the prayer journal I kept next to my twin bed when I was 7 that said, “Please God, I don’t want to pee the bed tonight. I pray you make sure I don’t pee in bed.” 

I had heard only slightly of the corrupt teachings and leaders of the church, but boy, do you really come to experience it once you’re in it. Attending a religious school after years of public education was a culture shock in the worst way – but it sure improved my morals and heightened my interest in social justice. Attending a school that justified prejudice through biblical teachings could result in two outcomes: a) justifying your prejudices and continuing to be ignorant, or b) being absolutely disgusted by the teachings and turning away from the church altogether. I experienced option b. I was berated with teachings saying women needed to dress for men, suicidal thoughts were selfish, and you will be cast to hell for them, and “love the sinner, hate the sin.” Christian cliches are almost worse than having someone tell you straight out that they know you are going to hell for your actions. I could go on for hours naming more and more horrible things I was taught and how they impacted my teenage mental health.

By senior year, I was so ready to finally leave the place that had made me feel like I had to be someone else to be viewed as an equal. The second I graduated, I told myself I would never go back, I would not be attending any school reunions, and I sure would not be donating to the school. 

Throughout high school, I was extremely insecure about my appearance. Whenever I hung out with friends, I would offer to be the photographer every time just to avoid having to see myself in pictures. I remember one particular instance where I left my best friend’s birthday lunch pretending I had a headache and drove myself to a nearby parking lot where I cried in my car over how much I hated myself. I was at an extremely low point mentally, and the foul words I heard daily from the men at my school only made it worse. Those teenage “Christian” boys may be the worst type of people ever to exist. 

Graduating meant finally doing everything to my appearance to look and feel the way I always wanted to. Three weeks after graduation, I pierced my nose. This may not seem like much, but piercing my nose was a pivotal moment for me. I felt like I was finally becoming the person I always wanted to be. A few weeks later, I bleached the underneath of my hair. These small changes to my appearance boosted my confidence like no other. That summer was the start of the drastic change I overwent over the course of the next three months. 

Leaving Catholic school allowed me to love myself without feeling the need to receive validation from those around me. More importantly, since high school, I have been able to freely express myself in terms of my sexuality. Being a lesbian in a religious institution was unbelievably frowned upon and terrifying to accept. Listening to my teachers and superiors tell me that the way I love is invalid and sinful was incredibly harmful to my self-confidence. Since then, I am now in the healthiest relationship of my life with a woman I love and adore. I have become the woman I have always wanted to be and finally hold the autonomy I had stripped from me for four years. 

Religious trauma is real and does not get the attention and awareness it needs. For those who do not conform, the church is often an incredibly dangerous and damaging place for children and young adults. For those who are presently unable to get out, know there is a brighter place waiting for you when you can. Becoming free from the restraints of corrupt organized religion is like being able to breathe for the first time. If you need to escape religion more than you need to use religion as an escape, I promise it is possible.