As I listen to GUTS on repeat, I can’t help but feel like something is missing. When SOUR by Olivia Rodrigo came out my senior year of high school, I blasted “driver’s license” and “good 4 u” in my car non-stop. But now, as I attempt to jam out to “get him back,” it feels as if I am searching for that teenage angsty grunge that I once felt before.
All of that is to say, high school Hannah was almost always in and out of “situationships” if you will. Despite a solid match here and there, I was always searching for that deeper connection with someone. Someone who understood me, supported me, cared for me. Blah blah blah, all that mooshy mooshy stuff, right? But you get the point.
I also always heard the mantra “you have to love yourself before you can love another,” and, of course, college freshman Hannah was like “who cares!? I NEED ATTENTION!!!!”
I went through a lot my freshman year, especially in terms of body image, academic performance, losing relationships, and all the other stuff that typically comes with being an 18 year old college girl. It wasn’t until later in college that I realized just how important loving and caring for yourself truly is. Once I was able to break that internal dialogue of “nobody wants to date me because of my jean size” or “my parents are never going to talk to me again because I failed my business math test”, I was able to see just what I am ā€“ a BAD ASS young woman.
It was with this new-found perspective that I seriously started to live life a bit differently. I stopped caring what size jeans I was buying at Old Navy. I wasn’t spending tons of money on makeup to hide my totally normal hormonal acne. I didn’t go into an exam thinking about all the people I could possibly disappoint if I did poorly on it. I started to act in ways that would serve me and my goals, and I found so much happiness in that.
Let me say here and now: all my life I had told myself that I would NEVER let a man become a central part of my life. And I know what you’re thinking “Hannah, you wanted to date someone so bad but you also didn’t want them to become a priority in your life? That makes no sense!”. Trust me, I know. For some reason, I had this engrained mission to be so independent, to accomplish every single thing on my own, that I was pushing away opportunities to allow another person to also support me in my goals.
I grew up in a family where people have married and settled down very young. I always found this to be so intimidating. How do I know if I’ll meet the right person at 18!? How will I still be able to accomplish all my goals if I’m married with kids at 22!? This fear eventually grew to me thinking “okay, if I want to be successful then I can have no man get in my way”, and that only carried on into college.
Not so long ago, however, a boy stumbled his way into my life (queue the Bratz “EWWWWWW” noise). At first I was terrified of my feelings for him and worried that they might get in the way of what either of us want to accomplish. But when we both felt ready, we decided to give that thing you call a “relationship” a try, and it really has been one of the greatest things that could have happened to me (OMG SO CHEESY AND GROSSSS ā€“ I know but bear with me).
In my attempt to not make a vast generalization, I feel that lots of Gen Z women, including myself, have grown up in an atmosphere that is incredibly misleading. You have to be dating, but you can’t be too happy about being in a relationship. If you post your partner too much you’re being annoying, but if you hardly post them at all you’re not in love enough. If you are in a relationship, though, your partner is going to get in the way of your goals. But you can’t truly be successful in life if you’re not settled down and married eventually, right? You haven’t lived a “full life” if you aren’t top of your class, incredibly successful in your line of work, but also happy with your partner, right?
It is a narrative that spirals, and spirals, and spirals, and it is the one that took a hold of me for a long time. As a woman, it is so hard to receive that designation that is “success” without also being effortlessly pretty, kind 24/7, and in a happy, picture perfect relationship. And say it with me everyone: that just IS NOT REALISTIC.
Despite my uneasiness when first entering into a relationship, my boyfriend has shown me nothing but kindness, love, and support. He has proven to me what hardly anyone else has been able to: a strong, smart, independent man can still support a strong, smart, independent woman without loss of this so-called “masculinity”. That there is a tenderness to love that can only be found when both parties are truly, 100% each others #1 cheerleader.
By no means is this a sappy love letter to my EPIC dude or a “hey guys look at me! my relationship is SOOOO great!” It is more of a brief letter of self-growth. It is a reflection on my previous inability to accept love due to the lack of it I had for myself.
I still have so many goals and aspirations that I plan to achieve. I hope to go to graduate school and land an amazing internship that eventually turns into a steady job. But what is so sweet and special about it all is that now I realize I don’t have to do it completely alone. There is a bliss that can be found when one is still independent but also supported by those that they love, and I am so grateful to have found that.