How to Get the Perfect Guy – as Told by my Roommates

My roommates are interesting people. They decided to help me write an article tonight. These are their tips for getting the perfect man.

Disclaimer: one of them is single and the other constantly bullies her boyfriend. Try to guess which one said what. Here’s a brief bio of them.

Madison

• Blonde

• Went on a rant about the shape of Thin Mints and the lack of shape of her body

• Thinks she’s better than everyone else for being 20

• Thinks drinking iced coffee is part of her personality (she just said, “yeah, and it is.”)

• Can speak 15% of Spanish (if we’re being generous)

• Really into the fact that she’s blonde

• “Everyone else in the first grade was really stupid and I wasn’t.”

• Most Likely to be Found Complaining on Her Finsta while Studying at Evans

• Probably going to die of a stress induced heart attack next year

• Really good calligraphy

• Thinks she’s a lot funnier than she is

• Has good creative skills though (hate to admit it)

• Good taste in music (not as good as mine though)

Gauri

• Came into college with 60 credit hours

• Big finance girl

• Never having her keys is part of her personality

• We’ve had our lock changed multiple times because of her

• One of the best glo ups I’ve ever seen

• Used to slap people with her braid from 3rd-5th grade

• Dresses nice every single day and it’s terrifying (probably because she’s a finance major)

• Cooks breakfast at 3pm

• Pinned skittles to our wall and deemed them our “Emergency Skittles”

• “On paper, I look dumb thicc”

• Actually funny (funnier than Madison)

Anyway, here are the tips.

1. Drop all hopes and expectations

2. Stop searching for a man above 5’11” (they don’t exist)

3. St. Patrick’s Day is coming up, so we only respect leprechauns this year. Where my 3’5” men at?

4. Prepare yourself for constant disappointment (couldn’t spell disappointment, I’m already disappointing myself)

5. Howl at the moon (guys love outdoorsy girls)

6. Follow him to all of his classes but don’t say anything just so it looks like you’re playing hard to get

7. Give him meal trades

8. Consistently ask him “why don’t you love me?” when he won’t text you back

9. Send feet pics (your grandpa’s feet, men love maturity)

10. Call his mom and tell her you’re his girlfriend

11. Take him to Chili’s

12. Ask him if he wants to go extreme couponing with you (we stan a frugal man)

13. Deliver him a fresh loaf of bread that you hand bake for him every morning

14. Watch Dog with a Blog with him

15. Show him your journal entries (it’s just Magna Carta 1215)

16. Sniff his hair in class and try to determine what shampoo he uses

17. Gift him the shampoo he uses

18. Buy him a lizard

19. Send him texts in the font Wingdings

20. Constantly degrade him (actually works)

21. Realize asexual reproduction is the future

I hope you all find the perfect man with these great tips! Make sure to share with your friends! Tweet me who you think said what! @nuvvaves ;)

• advice
• dating
• funny