Perhaps it’s because I’m an overachiever, or because I’m extroverted, or because I’m a woman, and that comes with societal expectations, but I’ve always found it hard to say no to people. Whether they were asking me for assistance with a small task, to join their student organization, or to pick up their work shift, I would go out of my way to say yes, even when it was detrimental to me.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t help others or be generous with time and energy, but there’s a threshold where this becomes unhealthy. If you’re on the extreme end of constantly planning your life plans around other people’s lives and needs. Or the milder side of just having a hard time saying no when you know you can’t do something, here’s my advice to you.
The simplest way I’ve found to determine whether or not I should do -insert request here- that I wasn’t planning is asking a few simple questions to myself:
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Do I want to do it?
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How will this help the person asking? How will it help me?
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How might this hurt me/take away from my pre-existing plans?
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Is this something I would want to do if this person didn’t ask me to?
I’ve always known I put a lot on my life plate, but I didn’t realize this was because I accepted tasks that were not necessary or productive. In high school, this was less of a problem because I had less homework, all my teachers and coaches knew each other, and I only worked once a week. My boundary-setting skills weren’t good, but they didn’t interfere with my day-to-day life.
Now, as a college student in too many classes, PLENTY of homework, two jobs, and a handful of student organizations I adore, like HerCampus, my lack of boundary setting skills has caught up to me quickly.
One of my jobs is more structured and has constant notifications whenever shifts open or when coworkers request swaps. I found myself constantly checking the app. I would look at the date and time and immediately see if I could cover for them, even if they had a 1-3 shift and I got out of class at 12:50 p.m and had somewhere to be at 3:10 p.m.
Thankfully, I didn’t delve into the deep end and drop other obligations just to pick up the extra shifts. But it made me realize my internal desire to immediately say yes when someone needs help. Someone asks about study help in the group chat, and I am there. Someone needs a ride to the doctor or the airport, and I’m already mapping it and scheduling the time to leave.
As I mentioned before, helping others is not a bad thing. If I know that my friend really needs a ride to the airport, and I have time, of course, I’ll help them. It’s not so much about the act of helping, but rather about ignoring your own needs, whether they be work, school, health, or rest, to jump in for others.
By asking the four questions above, I’ve started saying no more and becoming comfortable with it. The hardest part about saying no is feeling the need to justify yourself. You don’t need to do it. You actually, really, and truly don’t need a reason.
With that being said, there is a nice way to say no, but also respect that you don’t owe anyone an explanation (I’m still working on this part). You can always say: “I’m not free to help out now,” and if you really wanted to help, you could add: “let me know if there’s anything else I can do!”. If you constantly get notifications about dropped shifts or extracurricular opportunities and you feel pressure to take them, TURN THEM OFF! If they need your help specifically, they’ll ask. And if you need an extra shift or a new student organization, there will be time later.
Most importantly, you do not need to say sorry for not being able to help out with something unplanned. If you can’t go to work on your day off, don’t apologize. If you can’t read over your friend’s paper because you’re slammed with homework, don’t apologize. Of course, if you make a mistake -such as forgetting a commitment or hurting someone’s feelings- that’s an appropriate time to apologize. By saying sorry only when appropriate, you let people know that apology is genuine.
Despite all I’ve said, if you need help, don’t hesitate to ask. Some people are genuinely excited to help you with anything on your plate. I know my HerCampus chapter is always there for me, whether I need recommendations for a self-tanner or someone to look over my newest article.
The bottom line of this story is that by saying “no” and setting personal boundaries, you’re not being rude. You’re looking out for yourself. You don’t need to have something to gain to do something for other people. But you do need to ensure that your affairs are in order before jumping to someone else’s rescue. I’m not a professional in this topic, but I know that by considering requests more carefully, it’s easier to make sure you are taking care of yourself and help others at the same time.