I do not know how to spend time with myself.
I am sitting here, completely submerged by blankets, cradling my phone and computer – both of which are about to die, by the way – and trying to find something to do.
I would eat, but I do not know what to eat. I don’t have the energy to make anything at home, and I don’t have the money to order food.
I tried online shopping, and that took up some time, but it only ended with me hearting a bunch of items from Shein and Romwe yet not buying a single one.
TikTok gets boring after some time. So does Instagram and Snapchat and Youtube.
I have no homework to do (for once, and I know I should be happy about it, but, well).
I could call some friends, but I don’t really feel like talking to anyone right now, even though I actually do. No one can come over and hang out, and I am also not going to ask, and I could also go over to someone else’s place but will not be doing that either.
I could sleep, but I’m not tired enough. Or maybe it’s that I’m too tired, and so if I fall asleep now, I won’t wake up until tomorrow morning – but I don’t want tomorrow morning to come because it needs to be either tonight or the day after.
Not tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a whole ‘nother day that I will have to spend in this torturous state of being. The one where I have shows I want to watch but I don’t feel like watching them, the one where I have unfinished stories that are waiting to be read that I am excited about but I still will not read because as of right now, I do not want to – and yet I do. But I don’t. But I do.
Can someone please explain to me what this is? Am I the only one who experiences this? How do other people cope with it?
Because I am, at the moment, still sitting on my bed, doing nothing and saying nothing and being nothing but wanting everything. It’s like there’s a big juicy pomegranate floating in the air right in front of me, and all I have to do is lift my hand and grab it – but what if it’s spoiled on the inside? What if it’s not as good as I expected it to be, and so it forever ruins my impression of pomegranates? What if I’m too tired to lift my arm and snatch it out of the air because the very same air has almost suffocated me on numerous occasions?
I don’t know.
So I’ll just sit here.
Nothing.