They Ghosted You, Now What?

Halloween is approaching, and nothing is scarier than getting ghosted this spooky season. 

You might be reading this and know the term “ghosting” but are still unsure what that even means. Urban Dictionary defines ghosting as “the act of suddenly ceasing all communication.”

Why is it called ghosting? I recently read “Ghosts” by Dolly Alderton which describes this encounter well: “It is thought to have come from the idea that you are haunted by someone who vanishes, you don’t get any closure.” 

I, like many others, have found myself the victim of ghosting, and I will admit it, it’s painful. You find yourself looking forward to talking to a person and seeing where the relationship goes. All of a sudden, contact vanishes, and you’re wondering where you went wrong. You spend your nights staring at the ceiling wondering if the whole situation was doomed from the first chapter. How do we turn the page to write the next part of our stories when all of our reaches for clarity come up continuously void? Here are 5 tips to process getting over ghosting. 

1. Give yourself time. 

Everyone feels their emotions in different ways. You may be feeling angry, sad, disappointed, or regretful. It is completely okay and normal to feel bad after being mistreated. The first thing to realize is that you don’t have any control over how people treat you. You do have control over how you treat yourself. We must remember we can only expect the amount of love out of others that we are willing to show ourselves. We are the authors of the manual to love the very souls we walk in. 

Do some self-care and focus on loving yourself during this hard time. Take a bubble bath, light a candle, or listen to Sarah Cuento’s “he ghosted me and this is how i cope” playlist on Spotify. 

2. Reminder: You are lovable. 

You are lovable, and you are loved. If someone doesn’t see that, it’s on them. Make sure to surround yourself with people who love you, whether it be your family, friends, roomies, or pets. Let them help you heal. Allow yourself to receive their reassurance and advice. 

Remind yourself that you deserve a healthy and loving relationship. Just because this relationship didn’t work out, that doesn’t mean your better opportunity isn’t waiting for you. 

3. Shift your perspective. 

One technique that can be utilized to enhance our overall health and positive thinking is the exercise of “reframing.” You want to mindfully shift negative thoughts to more growth-oriented ones. This does not mean writing off the pain as empty positivity, but rather seeing obstacles as stepping stones to becoming a stronger person. 

Negative mindset: “I got ghosted because I wasn’t exciting enough, smart enough, pretty enough, lovable enough, etc. for them to even communicate not wanting to be with me.”

Positive mindset: “I got ghosted because the other person wasn’t emotionally mature enough to communicate their outlook on our relationship and that doesn’t reflect my lovability.” 

4. Set hard boundaries. 

You may try to convince yourself that if you keep on reaching out to them, maybe just one more time, then you’ll get the closure you need. The truth is, it rarely works that way. There’s a reason the person chose to ghost you instead of sharing their perspective. While it might not be a good reason, it doesn’t change the fact that they made the decision and will most likely not change their mind despite how much you reach out. If you continue to text, call, or Snapchat, you’re giving yourself false hope that each communication will be the time they respond. You don’t deserve that. 

Also, think about your reasoning for wanting to contact them. Deep down, are you hoping that if you talk, you’ll rekindle what you had? You don’t want to rekindle a relationship that was unhealthy. Do you want to let them know you’re better off without them? You are strong enough to move on without needing to let them know you’re moving on. 

The hard boundary: don’t reach out to them. Other boundaries can include removing them from social media or not asking mutual friends about them. Seek accountability and support in your new boundaries with a trusted friend or therapist. You can do this!

5. Seek closure for yourself. 

You don’t need closure from the person who ghosted you. Instead, you need closure for the part of yourself that wants a relationship with them. Focus on yourself and any growth you want to do instead of overanalyzing your relationship and where you think you went wrong. Keep reminding yourself that you don’t need to prove your self-worth to anyone or work to receive their love. Go and grow where you are wanted and surround yourself with people who never make you feel like a burden. 

Shake off the ghost stories and move on when you’re ready. You have more life to be told, more love to share, and more smiles to be had. It gets better. 

“But, for what it’s worth – I know there is a love ahead of you” from “Ghosts” by Dolly Alderton. 

• college relationships
• dating
• dating advice
• ghosting
• relationships